A well-known climbing coach said that the biggest obstacle in the way of peopleโs growth as climbers is, basically, fear of embarrassment.
When people want to get better at climbing, they try to do it privately, so that no one can see them doing things badly. Theyโll go to the climbing gym when no one is watching, or hang out in a corner hoping no one is looking. But theyโre missing out on the biggest opportunity โ feedback from people who can see things they canโt see.
And the thing getting in the way is fear of embarrassment.
Iโve found that this is true no matter what youโre trying to learn. No matter what youโre trying to grow in. Fear of embarrassment will stop you from getting real growth and transformation.
My belief is not that we should just get over that fear. Itโs that we could learn to see embarrassment as an integral part of the growth process.
Iโll talk about why in a moment. But first, letโs look at a few more examples where the fear of embarrassment stops people from growing:
Hopefully you can see that this can be applied anywhere we want to grow โ personal development, taking care of ourselves, deepening in a relationship, dealing with the overwhelming chaos of life. We struggle to get beyond where we are, because we are too embarrassed to get support, feedback, coaching that might take us to the next level.
We hope to grow and learn without embarrassing ourselves. If we can learn in private, and then show how good we are //after// weโre really good at it โฆ then we wonโt feel embarrassed. We want to avoid that feeling at all costs, even if it means never learning at all.
But thatโs not how it works. We have to be willing to be bad at something before we can be good at it. The growth process requires us to mess up, to learn from experience rather than just reading about it or watching videos. The growth process requires us to be messy and stumbling in the unknown โฆ and then to get some support when we stumble, think weโre doing it all wrong, or feel like giving up.
And that is embarrassing. It has to be embarrassing, because we are necessarily pushing beyond the boundaries of the self-image weโve created for ourselves. Weโve stepped into a new area of growth, which means we canโt be the person who has everything figure out, who has it all together. We want to be the person who has it all together, but thatโs only possible if we are not growing.
So we choose to grow and learn, to transform, but that means letting go of who we think we are, and who weโre trying to get others to think we are. Thatโs a letting go, and itโs embarrassing.
If we avoid that embarrassment (which is natural), we will avoid the growth. We will not step into the unknown, which is where real learning resides. Where meaningful work resides.
OK, so you have a fear of embarrassment (of course!), and you can see how itโs holding you back.
How do you work with this fear? Itโs a deep topic, but here are some ways to start working with it:
As you let yourself feel the fear and feel the embarrassment, what will happen is that you start to shed your old self. You no longer need to be constrained by doing things perfectly, impressing anyone, showing the good side of yourself, because you are growing into a new kind of becoming.
What would be possible if you let yourself go through the transformation process? If youโd like to practice deeply with me and others, come talk about being a part of my Fearless Mastery program.
The post Embarrassment is an Integral Part of the Growth Process appeared first on zen habits.
Creating a new habit like meditation, journaling or exercise isnโt incredibly complicated โ at the most basic level, you tie the habit to a trigger thatโs already in your life, start small, and find ways to encourage yourself to remember it and actually do it.
But it becomes a much more complicated and much messier ordeal because:
This is an almost universal thing, in my experience. No one escapes this trap.
So how do we work with it? We can make things really simple (thatโs not to say easy) by getting to the heart of this: the resistance.
In addition, it helps to have a way to deal with feeling bad about ourselves when we give in to the resistance. Iโll talk about that after I talk about getting to the heart of resistance.
Letโs say you decide to do a morning habit like writing, meditation, yoga, or journaling โฆ
You commit yourself to doing it every morning when you wake up (after coffee of course). You set a reminder. You wake up. Then โฆ
Suddenly, you really need to check your email and messages. That leads to a bunch of other things that need to be done. Then you decide itโs time to check the news, or social media. Now you have to get ready. Youโll do that habit later.
What I didnโt describe above โ and what most people donโt even acknowledge or notice โ is the most important part. The resistance. If you can deal with the resistance, you can form a new habit. If you arenโt even aware of it, youโll think thereโs something wrong with you, or youโll keep looking for better answers to fix this problem you have.
No amount of systems, books, answers will fix the problem of resistance. Itโs something we can work with, but it doesnโt go away when you find the right answer. Itโs simply fear and uncertainty.
If we can learn to work with that resistance, new habits will form.
Incidentally, itโs the same thing when you want to change an old โbadโ habit โ like quitting smoking or chewing your nails or eating too many chips. We have the urge to do the old habit (smoke a cigarette), and we have resistance to just letting the urge arise and fall. Itโs like checking the email instead of meditating โ we think we have no choice but to give in to the resistance.
So what if we didnโt need to give in to the resistance? What if it could be a place to embrace?
Hereโs a way you might work with the resistance:
There isnโt a right answer here. Play with it. Keep working with it. Our desire for it to be over and to not have resistance is our greatest stumbling block. Keep creating something new, each time the resistance / urge happens. Eventually, youโll discover something that works. And along the way, youโll discover something new about yourself.
You hope that this will go perfectly. Youโll work with the resistance and youโll crush this new habit. Yep! Thatโs exactly how it will go!
Except that part of it going perfectly is that it will include failure. Thatโs just a part of the growth process. You fail, you struggle, and you find something new in that.
The difficulty is that people take the failure to mean something meaningful about themselves. It becomes such a big deal. I failed! I must suck. Or I canโt do this. Or Iโll never be able to do this. Or What the hell is wrong with me?
Isnโt it interesting that a simple thing like failure carries such huge emotional significance? We feel bad about ourselves, we get discouraged, and we quit.
What if failure (and feeling bad about ourselves) was simply a part of the growth process? Not a big deal, but something to learn from? How would you approach it then?
I wonโt give you the โanswerโ (because thereโs not just one) โฆ but I invite you to get creative. What can you try that will help with this part of the growth process? How can failure be embraced, loved, and be a place for curiosity and discovery?
If you can work with this, you will be liberated.
The post Simplify Habits: Get to the True Heart of Change appeared first on zen habits.