โHow do you quit troubleshooting yourself?โ In this intimate personal essay, a queer writer with body dysmorphia contemplates their physical appearance and what itโs like to have a condition that prevents them from truly seeing their body.
I canโt tell you what my partner sees when they look at my body, nor what my coworkers see when I turn on my Zoom camera. I struggle to build my digital avatar. Yes, I have brown hair and brown eyes. No, I am not very tall. Beyond thatโthe shape of my face, the width of my hips and thighsโis a mystery to me. Iโve searched for myself in puddles and in bathwater, in dressing rooms and at golden hour. Pictures and videos show me someone brand new, so I look harder; not for beauty, not always, but for some consistent self-outline.