W. H. Auden’s “Funeral Blues (The Practical Version)”

Stop all the clocks, cut off the…
What?
Yes, stop all the clocks.
Yes, all the clocks.
Sorry?
I do realise there are lots of clocks.
Just stop them.
What do you mean “how”?
Are you honestly telling me
You don’t know how to stop a clock?
Just take the batteries out!
Fine, if it plugs in, take the plug out.
I am aware it will start flashing 00:00
Yes, that counts as stopped.
Yes, even when it’s flashing.
I know it’s annoying, this whole thing is annoying.
Why are you making this so difficult?
Wind-up clocks? Erm…
Well, just stick your finger in there.
Or something.
Look.
Please calm down.
Stop shouting.
Yes, I want you to stick your finger in,
All the wind-up clocks in the world.
Yes, even Big Ben.
Yes, even the Rathaus-Glockenspiel.
I have thought this through!
I have!
I’m not making up the rules as I go along.
Fine, then just throw a cloth over them.
Please stop crying.
Please.
I know you’ll hear them ticking.
No, “hide all the clocks” wouldn’t work better.
Because it wouldn’t.
Okay, okay.
This isn’t really about clocks is it?
This is about the cowboy hat.
I was being supportive;
I wasn’t giggling.
You always do this.
All I want to do is stop all the clocks,
Then suddenly it’s all about you.
And your hats.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, please stop making that noise.
How about this?
Stop some of the clocks.
Hide any that are remaining.
Does that work better for you?
Fine, let’s do that then.
We’ll pick out some hiding cloths later.
Goodness, we better get a move on,
Or we’ll be late for the funeral,
What time is it now?
Oh. Right.