Sure, Benihana has over 110 locations worldwide, but I know most are not in the basement of a two-thousand-square-foot single-family suburban home. Iโve personally visited Benihana in the pastโon a DATE, Brian, because I had other romantic partners before we metโbut that particular location did not have a two-car garage or a novelty mailbox in the shape of a fish, although I suppose it would reflect the restaurantโs delicious sushi menu. Thatโs just sensible branding, Brian. Benihana is more than great teppanyaki.
I remember walking through this house with the real estate agent three years ago. We definitely discussed the UNFINISHED basement. I even walked into a cobweb, Brian. You laughed affectionately and called me your โlittle mummy.โ I also remember later that night when I playfully chased you, going, โCurrrse, CURRRSE.โ
Iโll tell you what I donโt remember: A discussion about a basement restaurant featuring ten teppan-style griddle tables, each with comfortable seating for eight people.
At no stage during our subsequent home inspection did we encounter a staff of at least fifteen people, including several rigorously-trained teppanyaki chefs. I have enjoyed meeting the employees when they emerge upstairs to pet the dog or smoke outside. However, some of the hostesses can be surly. But I know for a fact none of these individuals were in the house before. Unless this is some sort of Parasite situation. Are we doing Parasite now, Brian? There are more proactive ways to address societyโs many tragic disparities. Weโve talked about this.
When we first moved in, my clothing did not smell of sizzling USDA-Choice beef. My boss at work never took me aside for a โconfidential conversationโ about my โstrongly scented shrimp and noodle shampoo.โ That is a recent issue. It was a weird conversation, Brian. Also, he would like a reservation on Saturday. For ten people. At 8:00 p.m. Itโs his birthday, Brian!
Did corporate even sign off on this? What would the late Hiroaki Aokiโfounder of Benihana and father of megastar DJ Steve Aokiโsay if he knew this was happening? Iโll tell you who DOES know, Brian: the neighbors. If they werenโt getting happy-hour pricing on top of an already reasonably priced and tantalizing menu, Iโm pretty sure weโd have some legal problems here. Iโm not even sure where to find an attorney who specializes in defending secret residential eatery franchisees, no matter how successful the restaurant concept is. Thatโs not the kind of law I studied at Tufts, Brian. I donโt think this comes up a lot.
Hereโs the thing: I donโt actually care about any of that stuff. Iโm not upset about the perpetually stinky house, or the rowdy customers, or the occasional visits from the fire department. I just donโt like the gaslighting, Brian. No, I donโt mean the industrial stoves; I mean the lies.
Thatโs what hurts. And I donโt know how our relationship can recover.
But an onion volcano is a good start.