Wealthy G.O.P. Donor Paid for Ginni Thomas’s Fur Pelts and Horns

A combative Thomas told reporters that the gifts she received were not luxury items but were derived from budget-priced rabbit and bison.

Millions of Americans Who Have Paid Off Porn Stars Feel Under Attack

As the country heads into a Presidential-election year, this swath of the population could emerge as “a force to be reckoned with.”

Panicky Matt Gaetz Stops Payment on Several Checks

“Sometimes you make a decision that you think is going to turn out all right, and then you find out, no, it’s not going to,” the congressman said.

Melania Sends Thoughts and Prayers

“Mr. Trump had not been expecting to receive thoughts and prayers,” Mike Lindell, of MyPillow, said. “He’s mainly been focussing on donations.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Caught in N.Y.C. Eating Soros-Backed Hebrew National Hot Dog

The Georgia congresswoman was photographed eating the Judaic sausage in Times Square while en route to having her picture taken with Elmo.

Trump Claims Failure to Arrest Him Is Conspiracy to Keep Him from Getting Donations

If not arrested by Friday, Trump said, “I will perform a citizen’s arrest on myself.”

Kevin McCarthy Claims Most Americans Pay Porn Stars

“What you use your personal money for is your own personal business,” the Speaker of the House said.

Kevin McCarthy Spotted Doing Yard Work for Marjorie Taylor Greene

“This was a hundred per cent my idea and something I wanted to do,” the Speaker of the House said.

DeSantis Rounds Up Disney Characters and Puts Them on Bus to New York

“Let them wander Times Square with Elmo,” the Florida Governor said.

Rupert Murdoch Calls Telling Truth Under Oath Worst Experience of His Life

“I don’t know how they manage it,” the media mogul said, of inveterate truthtellers. “I’ve told the truth once, and I don’t intend to do it again.”

Fox News Announces Acquisition of Kevin McCarthy

Rupert Murdoch said that he was “delighted” by the purchase of McCarthy and noted that Fox had snapped him up at an attractively low price.

Amy Coney Barrett Searches Bible for God’s Opinion of the Internet

“It doesn’t matter what we think about the Internet,” the Supreme Court Justice said. “What does God think about it?”

Tucker Carlson Fears That Leaked Texts of Him Telling Truth Will Kill His Brand

“Tucker is in a very dark place right now,” a Fox News colleague said. “To be unmasked as an honest person is literally his worst nightmare.”

Pence Says Mother Will Not Give Him Permission to Testify

Mother, who is believed to be Pence’s wife, Karen, was “hopping mad” when he received a subpoena from the special counsel’s office.

Dick Cheney Offers to Shoot Down Future Balloons

“I haven’t touched my hunting rifle in a few years, but handling a gun is like riding a bicycle,” the former Vice-President said.

Elon Musk Seething with Envy Over Attention Balloon Is Getting

Musk disclosed that the sensation the Chinese spy balloon has created is making him consider becoming a balloon himself.

Kari Lake Furious That No One Has Searched Her Home for Stolen Documents

The former anchorwoman claimed that she has been calling for the F.B.I. to raid her house for weeks, but to no avail.

Trump Says DeSantis Lacks the Classified Documents Necessary to Be President

“This is what makes Ron DeSantis so dangerous, quite frankly,” he said.

George Santos Reveals That He Is an M1 Abrams Battle Tank

“The Ukrainians have called battle tanks the punching fist of democracy,” Santos said. “I, George Santos, am that fist.”

Pence Says He Hid Behind Classified Documents to Keep Women from Lusting After Him

“Whenever possible, I’d bring Mother,” he said. “But when she wasn’t available I’d hide my face behind classified documents.”