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Portis is a comedian of the highest order, but he is finally—as all comedians must be—a moral philosopher.
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Originally published in 1970, Judy Blume’s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, is the story of an eleven-year-old girl who moves from New York […]
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I recognized something of my own initial reaction to Rohmer, my embrace of the “feel” of his work ahead of its politics.
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Beaumarchais and <em>Electronic Enlightenment</em>
The addition to Electronic Enlightenment (EE) of nearly 500 letters from the Beaumarchais correspondence is a significant event in eighteenth-century studies. Drawn from the second volume of Gunnar and Mavis von Proschwitz’s edited collection, Beaumarchais and the “Courrier de lÉurope”, first published thirty years ago in Studies on Voltaire and the Eighteenth Century, these letters join with 175 letters from the first volume (previously included in EE). The total of 660 letters in this collection include a combination of letters printed in that periodical and letters from public and private collections. (In 2005, von Proschwitz published a selection of 107 of these in a French edition, entitled Lettres de Combat.)
Collectively the letters being published by EE represent the largest tranche of Beaumarchais letters available for online research; moreover, they constitute approximately one third of Beaumarchais letters published to date and over one sixth of all known Beaumarchais letters in existence.
In the context of eighteenth-century correspondences, the Beaumarchais archive stands out for several reasons. The first is the volume of the archive. The known portion of the Beaumarchais papers is over 4,500 documents, constituting one of the largest corpora of eighteenth-century papers known. The full archive, if ever fully inventoried and edited, would run somewhere between 6,000 and 20,000 documents. At the upper range it would become among the largest known archives of personal papers of the period.
The second is geographical breadth—from Vienna to Madrid to the Netherlands to England and North America, the Beaumarchais correspondence is important because it shows how actually we limit our understanding if we focus on solely “French” or “Francophone” correspondence networks.
The third is sociological breadth—Beaumarchais as an historical figure offers us insights into the eighteenth century that stand apart from the major figures whose correspondence has been edited and studied. He was an artisan, a musician, a financier, commercial entrepreneur, printer, investor, politician, judge, diplomat, spy, litigant, criminal (he was imprisoned in at least four capitals), husband, lover, brother, father and, of course, a playwright. His correspondence, and thus the network of correspondents connected him to a wider swath of eighteenth-century European and North American society than almost all personal correspondences studied to date, rivaling and perhaps exceeding the Franklin and Jefferson papers in this respect.
The editorial history of the Beaumarchais correspondence extends over two centuries of literary and political history. Since 1809, when the first edition of Beaumarchais’s Oeuvres was published, over 1,500 letters have been edited—though most of them not with the critical apparatus of the Proschwitz letters published by EE—over the course of more than two centuries.
Nearly 500 letters were printed in partial editions of Beamarchais’ work or correspondence, from 1809 to 1929. The first edition of his complete works edited by his amanuensis, Gudin de la Brenellerie (seven volumes, 1809), included 55 letters that Gudin had transcribed. A second edition, by the journalist, historian and politician Saint-Marc de Girardin in 1837 included 53 additional letters. A collection of 29 letters from the Comedie Francaise archives were published in the Revue Retrospective (1836). In his two-volume biography, Beaumarchais et son temps (1858), Louis de Loménie, referenced and included partial transcripts of hundreds of letters, but included in the appendix only 35 complete texts of previously unedited letters. A second biographer, Eugène Lentilhac, in his Beaumarchais et ses oeuvres (1887), included 12 partially transcribed letters not previously published. In 1890, Louis Bonneville de Marsagny published a biography of Beaumarchais’s third (and longest lasting) wife, Marie Thérèse Willermalauz, and claimed to have consulted “sa correspondance inédite” though no letters are reproduced or directly referenced.
In the early twentieth century, the first effort to produce a complete edition of the correspondence was made by Louis Thomas; however, as he explains in the preface to his edition entitled Lettres de Jeunesse (1923), his military service during the Great War put an end to his research; so in 1923 he published 167 letters from the first two decades of Beaumarchais’ adult life, some of which had been previously published. Several years later, in 1929, the eminent French literature scholar in the United States of the day, Gilbert Chinard, edited a collection of Lettres inédites de Beaumarchais consisting of 109 letters acquired by the Clements Library at the University of Michigan; these consisted of letters to his wife and daughter.
In more recent decades, over 1,000 additional items have been published, between the edition launched by Brian Morton in 1968, continued by Donald Spinelli, which added an additional 300 previously unpublished letters over four volumes of Correspondence, and then in 1990, the Proschwitz edition.
Proschwitz, a noted philologist, added to these letters the most extensive critical apparatus associated with any edition of Beaumarchais letters. He did not seek to produce a critical edition or a material bibliography of these letters, approaches that are difficult to apply to eighteenth-century correspondence in general and to the Beaumarchais archive in particular. Rather, Proschwitz in his notes emphasized the significance of these documents for our understanding of Beaumarcahis’ life and of the eighteenth century. In these letters, we see Beaumarchais not only as a playwright seeking to circumvent censorship to have Marriage de Figaro finally staged, but also as an entrepreneur, a printer, an urban property owner, an emissary, and a transatlantic merchant. Through this window we have a window on the eighteenth century that is geographically, socially, and culturally much broader and more diverse than what we generally encounter through the correspondences previously published in EE.
With the appearance of these letters and the launching of the first new projects on Beaumarchais’s correspondence in 50 years, including the effort spearheaded by Linda Gil to produce a definitive inventory with a material bibliography, and my own work to analyze the network of correspondents from the known correspondence, this publication in EE offers eighteenth-century scholars new reason to consider a longstanding, but still little understood, figure of the age.
A version of this blog post was first published on Electronic Enlightenment.
Featured image by Debby Hudson on Unsplash (public domain)
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Susanna Forrest | Longreads | March 23, 2023 | 3,474 words (12 minutes)
Twelve years ago, I lived alone in Berlin and the crows knew me. My particular murder kept watch in the park nearest my flat, a long green strip marking the course of the demolished Wall. The neighborhood was part of the former East, and at the weekends the park filled with locals and tourists browsing the flea market for GDR cookware, furniture, and ratty old fur coats. I once found an entire stuffed dog there, lying rigidly over a pile of the flotsam and jetsam of 20th-century German domestic life — porcelain sugar bins with gingham prints, brass tea warmers, and musty albums of abandoned family photographs. The Wall had fallen years before I moved there in 2006, and Berlin had not yet hatched its Silicon Allee of slick startups. When I first arrived the air still reeked of coal stoves in the winter, and a friend lived in a dingy unrenovated apartment that had heavy velvet curtains over the doors and dusty black coal pucks piled in the corridor. You reached it via the ruin of another apartment with ’80s posters still hanging.
For a long time, I told myself that I moved to Berlin in my late 20s on an unusually long-lasting whim after visiting a friend and picturing myself writing books in a spacious old tenement building. I was part of the cheap-flights generation of casual British EU migrants who sampled new cities and countries without thinking too hard. We didn’t need to. Our path was greased by budget airlines, a strong pound, low rent, and the internet, which let us work on our laptops in cafés that still served milchkaffee, iced Ovaltine, and rhubarb schorle rather than the later hipster homogeneities of avocado toast and flat whites. Earlier waves had immersed themselves in the city like a baptism, learning German, living in shared apartments with terrifying hippie rules, and getting jobs doing anything from teaching English to cleaning kebab grills. I and my fellow travelers hovered at the edge of the city, gazing at our screens. Many didn’t last long.
But five years on, in my crow-courting period, I was still there, and it was becoming less clear why. I had made an uncharacteristically bold move and left behind a functional if eccentric career in London because that trajectory of escalating job responsibilities, a mortgage, and a daily rattle on the Tube was suddenly not what I wanted. It had never seemed exactly real in any case — a fluke of luck, not something you could turn into a life. I was now writing books, which is what I did want to do, but there was no particular reason why I had to do that in Berlin. I still lived alone and worked from home alone and stuck to a handful of neighborhoods. I had hazily wanted an expanded life — living in different places, learning new languages — but that life turned out to require more of me than I could give.
I gradually learned enough German for my work and writing, but froze and stumbled when I was spoken to (or at). The state-run language courses were not designed to launch you into a German social life. Instead, we new migrants — from Bulgaria, America, Sweden, Italy, Turkey, and North Korea — gathered three nights a week and chewed over the language, which was presented to us in a series of “realistic scenarios” we might experience, such as traveling or trying to get a job like a good immigrant. Germans appeared in textbooks as Johanns and Marias driving their cars, eating bockwurst, and going to the cinema, rather than as three-dimensional people whom we could approach. The books told us about the German way of doing things, and German beliefs about citizenship and private lives, contrasted wordlessly against a great missing Other — us.
We had the outsiders’ shorthand mythology for these creatures, a mashup of quaint archetypes and international urban wisdoms passed from one to another: “Germans aren’t efficient, they are thorough.” “Germans don’t like to use credit cards.” “Germans eat cake and buy flowers on Sundays.” There was also a submythology for Berliners, who were said to be blisteringly sarcastic — one account advised trying to imagine Cockneys who’d gone through the German 20th century. Berliners, and especially East Berliners, who had gone through even more of that century, let you know exactly what they thought of you. If you couldn’t understand their Schnauze or “Snout” dialect (a mashup of German and linguistic pickings from the city’s history, including French and Yiddish), then it was maybe for the best. When an elderly lady shouted at me for standing on the pavement and looking up at a flat I was viewing, the submythology told me to take it as a rite of passage. Berlin says “Du Alta!” and fuck off.
Instead I met new friends via our blog RSS feeds and took to internet dating, but the connections I made were mostly with fellow migrants or people who lived elsewhere but wanted to imagine they could live in Berlin. I made a few German friends, although they often had one foot out of the city too. Largely I was alone. When the dates lasted more than one meeting, I chose men who were pulling the same avoidant trick as me. We flew in the same direction an impeccable distance apart, like birds in a murmuration. Hypothetically, each relationship came with a future Berlin life together, and I dipped mentally into these as though they were outfits I might try on without buying. It was safe to do this, because of course, none of these relationships went anywhere or required any kind of commitment to a life that was fixed. I hadn’t yet realized that this was my choice. I thought maybe I was bad at reading signs, but actually, I was very good at reading them. The problem was that I felt safer alone.
I staged this repetitive personal drama carelessly on the cracking, rumbling crust of a city trying to absorb a surfeit of history while sunk in its own recession. Unemployment was high, and public housing was being hurled overboard, thousands of units at a time. I read my British and American news online and ripped up the free local papers I found in my mailbox and stuffed the shreds in my wet shoes. I was waiting for something, aware that the city was changing underneath my own holding pattern.
You cannot skim the surface of a place and expect to belong to it.
Gentrification had been underway when I got there. What had been crammed tenements in the early 20th century and then crumbling, war-damaged flats under the GDR were now saniert and interspersed with independent latte outlets. The shoddy, shrapnel-chipped brickwork within the circling Ringbahn was covered with fresh plaster and paint and nobody had to pee in a closet toilet on the staircase anymore. The old tiled stoves were ripped out and replaced with central heating; the smell of coal smoke retreated further from the center. Once I found myself in an expensively renovated living room where the new architects had preserved the old bullet holes under glass as a conversation point. It was just across the road from my friend’s former flat with the velvet curtains, now a building site for new luxury apartments.
At weekends I walked the same neighborhoods for hours and thought in suffocating spirals about the avoidant men and whether I should go home and get a proper job. I let the city spool by unheeded in the background. The crows’ park was just five minutes away, so I was there often. It was a lung of sorts, but not an escape.
I started feeding the crows because I’d read that they could recognize individual human faces, and I thought it would be an interesting experiment to see if I could train them to know me by sight. I bought bags of peanuts in the shell and began distributing them in the park. I always took the same messenger bag, which had a print of crow silhouettes on it. The crows could make this out from quite some distance. I didn’t think about why I wanted these creatures, so busy in their own very different but overlapping Berlin, to acknowledge me.
They were not inky carrion crows but hooded or “fog” crows with powdery gray bodies, black heads, bibs, wings, and tail tips and the same elegant butcher beak as their cousins. Some were pied with white feathers, which were either a genetic quirk or a result of malnutrition — I tried to make sure that these birds got extra nuts. When I got close, I could see a fine lacy pattern where their bodies met their tails, an unexpected refinement. If I looked up at one in a tree, I found the same pattern on the underside of their stern. (I only had to have my coat dry-cleaned once.) In the spring they were glossy. They were always beady. They were the native Berliners with whom I interacted most.
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At first, I went every weekday morning, because at weekends the park filled up with the flea market, outdoor karaoke, and tourists who distracted the crows, but then I went on an irregular basis, once a week at most, and they all knew me. We had a routine of sorts, and soon it was unclear who was training whom. I kept buying peanuts. I kept going back. I kept responding to their cues. When I walked into the park a pair who were picking at beer-bottle tops in the grass would spot me and run and hop over like a couple of chickens, eyes bright and feathers ruffled by the wind, looking at my face and at my bag and back again. They would stop a few feet away and wait for me to reach under the flap of the bag and produce the goods.
Sometimes a few outlier crows found me as I was halfway down the road to the park and swooped down to perch near me on the barriers by the roadworks or waited overhead on the tram wires. I learned to recognize the sound of a crow’s feet landing on the metal top of a GDR-era streetlamp. Sometimes I was in the park before they clocked me. Once I found a row of crows and young rooks waiting on the fence of the dog run for me to pass. They seemed both readable and unfathomable to me, just like my experience of the city as I trudged along its pavements, but they were also company, and glad to see me without asking more of me than the peanuts.
When the dates lasted more than one meeting, I chose men who were pulling the same avoidant trick as me. We flew in the same direction an impeccable distance apart, like birds in a murmuration.
A new wall had been erected at the top of a man-made hill in the park for graffiti artists to attack, and the air was often thick with aerosol and paint particles. Some days I could climb to the top of the hill before I heard the birds calling all over, and watched as they appeared — black specks in the distance over the blocky West German flats half a kilometer away, turning to black and gray bird shapes who circled me and landed in the poplars or skimmed up the slope to my feet, their bellies inches clear of the balding grass. Windy days were best: The currents of air made it hard for them to get close, but they soared like small, sooty eagles, their pinions spread. Once they arrived, the crow ethnography began.
They operated in pairs but also as a larger flock that seemed to my human eyes to have a strict hierarchy: I saw a crow leave a peanut right in front of its feet so that a senior bird could have it. I also once saw a large crow attack and roll over a young bird and pin it on its back, its chest exposed, and five or six other crows raced over and stood in a circle around them, cawing what sounded like disapproval. The large crow released its prisoner. One evening at twilight I discovered that they roosted en masse on the floodlights of the football stadium, putting in a performance of looping aerobatics and abrupt plunges before they turned in for the night.
In some ways, the crows and I were similar. They changed only when disrupted. I thought I should change my life but let inertia cradle me. But while they lived in a murder that was tight-knit and full of drama, my lack of connection had not led to some kind of fluid and expansive lifestyle, but instead, stagnation and solitude. Some friends peeled away from the city, returning home for careers and family. My own roost was starting to feel precarious as the gentrification around my flat intensified and cobblers and cafés were replaced with boutiques selling designer pastel-gray baby bowls and Scandinavian cookware. I had an old rental contract that remained low but all around me the housing market was contracting and my building was growing scruffier, edging us closer to another renovation that would turf me out. I didn’t really want to think about whether I loved my Berlin existence enough to live “beyond the ring,” as people put it, as though the neighborhoods outside the Ringbahn were cold rocks of planets that rarely glimpsed the sun. This was not a hypothetical future I had tried out. If I did live there, away from my friends, what would the rest of my life look like? What would change?
I was heading home one Monday when I heard a great squawking behind me and turned to see a kestrel flying low, a vole dangling from its beak and three hooded crows on its tail, angling and twisting like TIE fighters. They all vanished into the trees. Shortly after that a woman walking her dog came up to me and asked if I fed the crows. I was surrounded by a dozen crows at the time. I said no. “You should not feed them,” she said, not fooled, “because there are many of them and the kestrel is all alone.” I saw her point. For a beat we stood facing each other off, crazy crow lady meets crazy kestrel lady.
After the birds had found me at the foot of the graffiti wall, we would go on a 10-minute walk around the park, with them following me. At first to overtake me and keep up they flew arcs to either side of me. Then they realized that they could take a shortcut and fly over my head. One afternoon I was walking down the steps cut into the hill when I bent over to pick up a stray peanut, and a crow flew so low over my back that had I stood up suddenly it would have crashed into me. Then they flew so close that my hair lifted in the draft of their wings.
In spring they were nesting, and crammed peanut after peanut down their bulging throats to regurgitate later. The pair at the park entrance collected a nut each from me and then swiftly buried them before coming back for more. In the summer the barbecuers returned to the park and there were leftover chicken wings abandoned on disposable grills, congealing pizza slices on the benches, and bratwurst ends in the bins — fat times for corvids. In the winter they were a little too intense and we started to get all Hitchcock.
I once saw one — which looked a little embarrassed — picking at a heap of sick on the pavement, and it occurred to me that it was right that crows should thrive in Berlin. Their coloring was camouflage for a place of gray skies and ingrained coal dust. The city’s emblem is a bear, and back then there was still a mumbly old brown bear in an actual pit in the city center. But it seemed to me that the fog crows were the city’s real objective correlatives: tough, savvy, garrulous, snouty, and cynical — an urban species that thrived on cold currywurst, vomit, and warm football-stadium lights. They might have no concept of Berlin but were inseparable from it, hanging over the buildings and streets and memorials, making their own territories and marking the seasons.
In some ways, the crows and I were similar. They changed only when disrupted. I thought I should change my life but let inertia cradle me.
My own territories were still fixed, but something was shifting. I felt I had made the wrong choices, that I should have wanted something more conventional, more easily understood, more boxes ticked. My life had little structure and few limits, and, unlike the crows, I was not thriving on the surface of Berlin. When I walked home alone in the dark the city seemed to expand overwhelmingly into the night. The ends of side streets faded into soft but profound darkness. Apartment windows were lit with red-shaded lamps that barely disturbed the black. Familiar neighborhoods gave way to unfathomable streets and then to suburbs, extending infinitely away from my feet on the pavement. The longer I lived alone, the nearer the fading point came to the edge of my world.
One bright morning I walked down the park in a cloud of 20 crows. A wild-eyed man, still unraveling from a heavy night in some club, came running up to me to say that what I was doing was incredible, and I stammered that it was only peanuts. Shortly after that, a young crow misjudged things and flew into the back of my head. I scaled back my activities.
I can’t remember the date when I stopped the performance altogether — or broke whatever mesmerism they had me under. I had tried feeding crows from my balcony too, watching them carry off the peanuts to bury in my neighbors’ window boxes. Then they learned how to untie the mass of knots I’d used to attach the metal bird feeder to the railing and dropped it into the courtyard, three stories down, so I gave up before they injured someone. I thought they had the same callous intelligence as orcas. I had not formed some kind of magical connection with these Berliners; I had just bought a lot of peanuts.
The real end, though, was when I paused halfway up one of those shady, yellow-painted Berlin stairwells and saw a crow on a branch outside slowly and methodically breaking a pigeon’s neck peck by peck.
I left Berlin two years ago. I don’t have a neat turning point for you — there was no self-help book or revelation or moment when the crows made me understand I had been doing everything wrong. I simply met someone and, for once, it felt safer to be together than alone, and when I took that leap toward connection, my life started to change rapidly and concretely. I left my old flat as my landlord finally tried to raise the rent and I moved in with the new boyfriend; I got pregnant; I happily moved to another country for his new job — still a migratory bird after all. I landed somewhere between convention and that expansive, restless life I had hoped for.
Meanwhile, the door to Berlin shut behind us. The housing market was finally in crisis, and it felt as though Berliners had gone to ground in the pandemic, clinging and retreating into their dingy, L-shaped living rooms like hermit crabs as rents rose and the queues outside apartment viewings stretched into the thousands.
You cannot skim the surface of a place and expect to belong to it. You cannot skim the surface of your life and inhabit it fully. To stay in Berlin alone I would have needed to strike out into that darkness at the ends of the streets and grasp what it meant to take root, grow old, and die in a place. The crows were not little harbingers of this mortality; they were just busy being corvids — my uncanny Berliners, my unfamiliar familiars. They stayed in place and lived according to the seasons, but it was the murder that animated their lives.
A year after that moment on the Berlin staircase, I walked to the park with the crow bag without thinking. One lithe, smallish crow found me and followed me. I walked up the hill and along the foot of the graffiti wall, inhaling the spray paint that taggers were busily dispersing into the atmosphere. The crow came with me. I walked down the steps to the pavement that ran where the Berlin Wall used to stand. It hopped over the flagstones. I walked down the scarred grass toward the exit, and the crow kept me company. I crossed the road and it winged over and landed on a power box next to me with a metallic click of talons. I apologized to it and went into the nearest shop to buy peanuts.
It was still waiting when I came out.
Susanna Forrest is the author of The Age of the Horse (Grove Atlantic, 2017) and If Wishes Were Horses (Atlantic Books, 2012). She writes a Substack newsletter called Amazons of Paris about women who were stars of the 19th-century circus and lives with her family in Sweden, where there are rooks instead of fog crows.
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A book can go wrong in a nearly infinite number of ways, but a book review has a narrower range of ways to fail. In what follows I’ll be writing about book reviews that are published in professional venues, not what people write on their blogs and on social media. (Those reviews tend to be more honest.)
The chief modes of book-review failure are as follows:
Reviewer A didn’t read the book at all. This happens more often than most people think, especially now that information about a book can be searched for online. I’d say maybe 10% of book reviews are written by people who haven’t read the book they’re reviewing.
Reviewer B read the book only in part or cursorily, and is aware of his or her limited knowledge and consequently is careful and measured in criticism. This kind of reviewer thinks you may have failed to mention something X, but realizes that you may well have done so, somewhere in your too-long-to-read book, and so says something like “More attention to X would have been welcome.”
Reviewer C read the book only in part or cursorily but is unaware of or indifferent to his or her carelessness. This is the kind of reviewer who asserts with breezy confidence that the author failed to acknowledge X, when in fact the author at five different points in the book – all of which are findable in the index – acknowledged X. This is the kind of reviewer who gathers some vague sense that the author probably believes Z and then flatly asserts that the author said Z. (And if the author replies “I never said Z!” this kind of reviewer says “Well, you implied it.”)
Reviewer D has an axe to grind and either isn’t sufficiently self-aware to know it or deliberately obscures it – and the “or” there indicates that I’m putting into this one category attitudes and approaches that perhaps could be separated into different categories. Axe-grinding could be seen as a single flaw, but there are many and various axes. Maybe the reviewer has a personal hostility to the author that has nothing to do with the book, but the book provides a convenient outlet for that hostility. Maybe the reviewer thinks that he should have been asked to write the book, or is angry that his own book on a similar subject didn’t get widely reviewed. Maybe the reviewer has turf to protect.
Reviewer E just wants to show off. Auden: “Attacking bad books is not only a waste of time but also bad for character. If I find a book really bad, the only interest I can derive from writing about it has to come from myself, from such display of intelligence, wit and malice as I can contrive. One cannot review a bad book without showing off.” And if you want to show off, then you will contrive to say a book is bad even when it’s not.
•
I have these thoughts in mind because I just read my old friend Charles Marsh’s brief book Resisting the Bonhoeffer Brand, in which he responds to some critics of his powerful biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Strange Glory. Now, this immediately raises the question: Should a writer respond to negative reviews at all? Many writers say no, but opinions vary. My own feeling is that when the reviewer says something that is just factually wrong, and can be shown to be factually wrong, then it’s fine for the writer to say so – in some cases it’s necessary to say so. But you can’t effectively contest someone’s judgments about your work.
The matter gets complicated, though, when a critic combines factual errors with implausible judgments. That’s the case with Ferdinand Schlingensiepen, who seems recently to have made a career of criticizing Marsh’s biography, largely on the Bulverist logic that since Americans can’t really understand Bonhoeffer and Charles Marsh is an American, Marsh’s biography must be wrong – it remains only to discover how it is wrong. Schlingensiepen takes his task seriously enough that when he discovers that Marsh has misnamed a Berlin department store, he cries that such an error is “grotesque.” Can you really answer someone who thinks that way? I doubt it.
But Marsh’s attempt to do so leads into some really interesting reflections on – here’s where the book’s title comes in – how a certain kind of author can become the object of a branding exercise, in a way that blurs the boundaries between a brand and a cult.
I’ve written before about the pleasure of working with Auden’s literary executor Edward Mendelson, who has consistently aided and abetted Auden scholars, extending the same courtesy to those whose views of Auden he strongly disagrees with as to those whose views resemble his own. That is to say, Mendelson has refused to be the custodian of a cult. This attitude is rarer than it should be. For instance, it’s clear that there is a strong network of Bonhoeffer scholars, centered in Germany but not confined there, for whom Bonhoeffer’s dear friend and biographer Eberhard Bethge is the one authoritative Keeper of the Bonhoeffer Flame, whose judgments must be acknowledged correct and thus made the grounding of all future scholarship on Bonhoeffer. Marsh knew and greatly admires Bethge but does not take quite that view. (How American of him!) And even mild dissent from the Authorized View – Strange Glory is certainly no “revisionist” biography of Bonhoeffer, though it has many new insights – must be policed by (see Reviewer D above) the protectors of turf. Thus: turf protection as brand management; and book reviews as an instrument of brand management.
ALl this interests me because precisely the same kind of behavior can be seen in the world of C.S. Lewis scholarship. Here Walter Hooper plays the role that Bethge plays for Bonhoeffer: the officially designated custodian of the Cult. The majority of Lewis scholars, I think, see themselves as continuing and extending the work of Hooper, and are typically not happy with work that dissents from Hooper’s understanding of Lewis. (Everyone who reads deeply in Lewis is indebted to Hooper for his energetic editorial labors, but his interpretations of Lewis are another matter.) Thus A. N. Wilson’s biography of Lewis – which is to some degree a revisionist one – was generally excoriated by the Lewisites, though it is in fact a mixed bag, deeply insightful in some ways and grossly mistaken in others. My own biography of Lewis has been largely ignored by the disciples of Hooper, I think because I am neither fish nor fowl: by no means a revisionist or skeptic, but also not following in Hooper’s interpretative footsteps. I am outside the Cult, but the way in which I am outside the Cult is not legible to them.
The interesting question for me is this: Is there a specific kind of thinker who generates a cult, a cult that then creates and manages a brand? There are certainly thinkers who intend to build a cult around themselves – Ayn Rand comes first to mind – but that’s not something that Bonhoeffer or Lewis would ever have done. Yet readers’ devotion to them is so intense that cults happen, as it were. By contrast, though Auden is just as celebrated as Bonhoeffer and Lewis, it is impossible to imagine a cult growing up around him. Perhaps this is because he saw one starting to grow when he was a young writers and took measures to prevent it from happening.
In any event, Marsh’s little book is a really interesting one – and I haven’t even mentioned the thing that mosts interests me, which is its meditations on the relationship between theology and biography. I’ll come to that another day, another way.
As 2022 wound down, three of the most talked-about movies seemed to share one very obvious trait: disdain for the wealthy. But as Pat Cassels argues in this critical essay built around The Menu, Glass Onion, and Triangle of Sadness, that’s a facile reading. The root of the rot here isn’t money, but power.
There’s real danger in Musk and our current “age of the petulant oligarch,” as Paul Krugman recently called it. “[T]he top 0.00001 percent’s share of total wealth today is almost 10 times what it was four decades ago,” he writes. “And the immense wealth of the modern super-elite has surely brought a lot of power, including the power to act childishly.” Glass Onion’s Bron would get along fantastically with Triangle’s Marxist captain and Russian capitalist. All three are perfectly willing to get drunk (on power or booze) and dispense half-understood economic axioms as geopolitical truth bombs, even as they steer their boat into dangerous waters in the name of free speech.
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Maria Zorn | Longreads | March 7, 2023 | 3,373 words (12 minutes)
In middle school, I would hide behind a giant oleander bush when it was time for the bus to leave for track and field meets and then, once it left without me, I’d walk to Panda Express and eat chow mein in blissful peace. This was also my strategy for grieving you. I thought I could, like a rapacious vole, burrow myself into the branches of the quotidian and the bus of mourning would pass me by altogether.
This is not to say that I didn’t ever experience a sense of loss. It was always there, a constant drip. Sometimes I’d think about the scene Mom came upon when the locksmith finally got your apartment door open and feel as though my kneecaps were going to crumble into ash beneath me. I wondered if there were claw marks on the floor from where you tried to stay as you felt your heart stop beating, or if you slid easily away like a clump of lint and dog hair into a Roomba. In these moments I wished to be vacuumed whole.
* Name and location have been changed for privacy.
Sophie works at the post office in Saanichton, British Columbia.* She is tall and sinewy with thin, bony shoulders. Her body could be drawn using only straight lines, just like yours. Her hair is jet black and always pulled back into a low ponytail that nestles into the nape of her neck. She appears to be more at ease when she is behind the counter than when she is in front of it, exposed. Her voice is low and quiet and when she gets flustered she holds her elbows close to her rib cage and her hands near her shoulders like an adorable T. rex. Her mannerisms are what initially drew Mom to her, what first reminded her of you. But then she saw her protruding clavicle and her thick top lip and her round doe eyes and she couldn’t unsee the physical resemblance. She wants me to help her think of a way to befriend Sophie that doesn’t begin with: You remind me of my dead son and I would do anything to spend time with you. I just don’t know what to tell her.
Perhaps the better metaphor is that my grief for you stalked me like those ghosts in Ms. Pac-Man. I was chasing dots with my mouth wide open, trying to outrun you. The dots were moments I still felt some semblance of myself in a world without you in it, they were anyone and anything that could drain me of all of my energy and attention, they were being able to feel light enough to giggle, they were attempting to Irish dance while waiting for my tea kettle to whistle. The ghosts were you, at 8, declining to go on a playdate because you were afraid I wouldn’t have anyone to play with; you, at 16, threatening to hit the boy who broke my heart with your car; you, at 22, telling me we were soulmates with tears in your eyes at the Molly Wee pub; the ghosts were you, you, you, you with pastel sheets over your head, cutouts for your big Bambi eyes.
Mom gets butterflies in her stomach before she goes to the post office. She’s glad for once that she has a P.O. box, that the mail carrier doesn’t come to her mossy, rural strip of the Saanich Peninsula. She blow-dries her light blonde hair until it falls in cascading curls around her face and blinks on mascara. She pulls on her stylish brown leather boots and steals one last look at herself in the mirror. She takes a deep inhale that tickles the pain in her chest. Mom wants to be more than friends with Sophie, but not in the traditional sense of the phrase. I loved you like a soulmate, but not in the traditional sense of the phrase. These loves are fluid, these loves are nonbinary.
* Name has been changed for privacy.
The dots I chased were Chris, because every emotion I felt with him was neon.* We slept glued together like spider monkeys, and when I woke up before him I would be completely still and study him worshipfully — his toffee-colored skin that was softer than a kitten’s ear, his charcoal ringlets. We watched videos of Thom Yorke dancing for hours at a time, we did a special little jig when we bought a bottle of puttanesca sauce. When I was sad, he’d get out a Japanese sword that was left at the bar where he worked and throw watermelons in the air for me to slice like a fruit ninja. He could make anything fun, could make anything a game — but he was always the team captain. I was never certain whether it was our 14-year age gap or simply his personality, but he felt as much like a coach as he did a boyfriend. I thought he shut me down when I disagreed with him and I knew he blew his nose in our dirty laundry, and these things both made me furious. Two years passed and we morphed into ever uglier versions of ourselves. We yelled at each other outside of Joe’s Pizza by the Slice, he was a gargoyle and I was a swamp lizard and then we were two terribly sad people who didn’t talk anymore. For months after we broke up, I lay in bed every night, crusty with dried tears and snot, and my ribs felt loose. I imagined Chris playing Radiohead songs on them like they were piano keys while I tried and failed to fall asleep. I was convinced that if I concentrated hard enough on my heartache for him that I would not notice how hollow I felt from your goneness.
You wore six-inch platform creepers and voluptuous shaggy Mongolian lamb coats, Rick Owens pencil skirts and black leather fingerless gloves. You ordered a floor-length sheer dressing gown with sleeves trimmed in feathers. When Mom said she liked it but it looked like something one would wear over a négligée, you earnestly replied: But I don’t have a négligée yet! Before I moved to New York with you, I came to visit and had to use my tube top as a pillowcase since you owned only one. I cleaned your apartment while you scoured town for a fake ID for me, an even trade. After sweeping the 600-square-foot space I had a chinchilla-sized pile of dust and boa fragments and sequins and dirt and I felt like Cruella de Vil’s housekeeper. You made a fool of the words “feminine” and “masculine” — you were neither, you were both. You called yourself an alien frequently, and even got one tattooed on your right arm. You felt like you were so different from other humans that you were extraterrestrial. No one we knew used they/them pronouns, no one we knew used terms like “nonbinary,” like “gender-fluid.” You knew you didn’t identify with other men, but you also knew you didn’t feel like other women. I wonder if you would have felt like such an alien if you knew you didn’t have to choose. I wonder if you would have tried snorting heroin that night if you didn’t feel like such an alien.
My dots were my budding career at a tech startup that I thought was so much more impressive than it actually was. I worked from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. then came home, ate noodles, propped my laptop on the pudge of my lower belly, and kept working in bed until I fell asleep. I tried dating during this phase, but I got more pleasure from telling men I was busy and then later breaking things off than I did from going to dinner with them.
My eyes began to tolerate all of the computer work I was doing less and less until it felt like all that occupied my sockets were two purple bruises covered in fire ants. After trips to six different ophthalmologists, I was diagnosed with non-length dependent small fiber polyneuropathy and ocular rosacea and told that a career that involved “excessive screen time” was probably not in the cards for me. The doctor looked at me with a very serious expression that was made less serious by a small piece of avocado that clung to his mustache. I was such a people pleaser that in this moment all I could think of was making this a smooth experience for him so that he didn’t go look in the mirror after our conversation and feel like an idiot for having a dirty ’stache. This was a time in my life when if someone gave me a ride, I’d offer them a kidney. I jammed the shock and anguish I felt into the depths of my pockets alongside pennies and crescent-shaped nail fragments, I arranged my face into an awkward smile and said: No worries!
I wonder if you would have felt like such an alien if you knew you didn’t have to choose.
I quit my job and the online college courses I was taking and returned to bartending with the enthusiasm of a wet tube sock. An overly cheerful woman with a hair growing from the mole on her chin asked me to surprise her with a drink and I poured well rum and apple juice into a pint glass with no ice then charged her $13 for it. I didn’t talk to my friends who were graduating and starting careers, I stopped dating. I closed in on myself and got smaller and smaller until, like a Shrinky Dink, I could be pierced and worn on a string as a hideous pendant.
I had moved back home to Arizona after you died because I couldn’t stay in New York City without you. The ghosts were too speedy there, but the dots were too far apart in Phoenix. I needed to get out. I applied for a sales position in Denver that promised not to involve the computer, packed my belongings into my beat-up red hatchback and took myself to Colorado. Driving through mountain passes, I felt an indelible sense of hope that this change of scenery would make me better, whatever that meant.
I watched the video you recorded six months before you died yesterday, the one where you’re drinking Veuve with your friend Michelle and explaining what you want done with your ashes if anything ever happens to you. You throw your head back to cackle between your outlandish requests and I stare at your pale throat. Some ashes stored in a Ming vase, some made into diamonds, some shot out of a cannon with glitter. Mom and I looked into the cannon, but all we could find was some silly handheld thing called the “Loved One Launcher” that appeared to be used primarily at memorial services held next to creeks and swamps, judging from their marketing material. It definitely wasn’t the right fit.
We didn’t know how to “memorialize” someone who felt as essential as a limb. In our indecision, we landed on taking a trip someplace beautiful every year on the anniversary of your death. We’ve been to Cabo San Lucas, Aspen, Copenhagen, Sooke. We split a bottle of rosé and hold hands and your absence is outlined in chalk on the picnic blanket we sit on. Once, we hiked 13 miles to a beautiful alpine lake to scatter some of your ashes and I carried them on my back. I had only your remains and a bottle of wine in my pack but the straps dug into my shoulders until they were pink as salmon. We sang “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” by the Hollies and laughed and cried at the same time. When we dumped your ashes in the water they shimmered in the sun like the glitter you wore on your eyelids and cheeks during your teen raver years. I wanted so badly to look up at the sky that was the same blue as your eyes and feel unadulterated solace, but instead I felt nothing at all.
This year on May 30, I think Mom is going to take me to the post office.
My dots were jobs, jobs, new jobs every few months. I worked as a kiosk wench for HelloFresh, a sales manager for StretchLab, a preschool teacher at a country day school, a fitness instructor at Life Time, at a physical therapy clinic, at a Pilates studio. I went back to school to become an art teacher, then quit that and took a yearlong nutrition course, then decided I never actually want to talk to anyone about what they eat. I remembered once hearing the phrase “throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” and I imagined myself doing parkour off the furniture at each of my jobs, shooting noodles and marinara out of my fingertips and watching the pasta bounce off of the reformers, the little children, the clinic walls like rubber. I had eaten all of the dots in the maze and was left aimlessly bumping into its corners with a jaw ache, desperately trying to avoid a ghost pileup.
I had a dream that I was walking around a city map, but the map wasn’t made of paper — it was a black iPhone, the glass so shattered it looked like it was filled with streets and boulevards. All the roads filled with white powder until I couldn’t move my legs anymore. The phone was yours, and it sat next to a full pour of wine, murky reddish-black like blood. You died sitting up — bony ass on the floor, back against the side of your bed, pale slim fingers wrapped around your glass. How did you manage not to spill one drop? Why did you think heroin was a suitable nightcap after cocaine, Adderall, alcohol?
I remember sitting on the back porch of Mom’s house with you every night one summer, talking and smoking hookah for hours until the metal patio chairs branded the back of our sweaty legs with checkers. Even at 10 p.m. it was over 100 degrees in Phoenix. I’d feel droplets of sweat crawl from my armpits down my sides and settle into the waistband of my boxer shorts. We’d put a splash of milk in the water pipe because you were convinced that would make the smoke cloudier, more fun to blow O rings with. You confessed one of these nights to smoking black tar heroin once during your sophomore year of high school, when you were a self-proclaimed “mall goth.” I whapped you with the wooden hookah mouthpiece, hard, right in the solar plexus. I thought about the time we gobbled up so many of Dad’s prescription drugs and drank so much prosecco that we blacked out an entire journey from Amsterdam to Phoenix, including a three-hour layover that was apparently in Detroit, judging from the translucent blue lighter we bought that said Motown City and the greasy Little Caesar’s receipt that sat cross-legged in the bottom of my purse. I was not prudish about getting fucked up, but with this anecdote you crossed a threshold into territory that scared me. You took a sharp inhale and raised your dark eyebrows, fighting back a laugh. You said: Obviously that was dumb and I’ll never try it again. I made you promise with a pinkie, even though you were 19 and I was 17. Your recklessness with your life produced in me a worry that sat like a small, hard stone in my belly.
You’d hate the way dying from a heroin overdose sounds. You’d have me let everyone know that you were “trying to buy opium.” That you were supposed to go to a wedding in Greece in two months, New York Fashion Week in three. That you didn’t mean for it to happen this way.
The dots were gone, but I became so adroit at ghost evasion I no longer needed them — I was eating strawberries, oranges, bananas, cherries. I found a drug that makes my eye condition more tolerable, a job I like well enough, a dog who constantly wants to shake my hand. I found a partner with Reptar green and caramel eyes who gives me grace like a daily train ticket, who calls you Tomm, not “your brother,” whose calm demeanor lowers my blood pressure and provides a certitude that life is allowed to feel good. I thought Jack’s love was a fuzzy sweater I could don and become whole. I saw no portents of a more substantial ghost, one that could swallow me entirely. I fell into the mouth of a ghost as though it was a shoddy manhole cover; it took me by surprise and then devoured me until I was wholly in its maw and could not see a single shred of light through its incisors. My grief developed its own physical presence, its own pulse. I feared that it was going to burst through my bones like the Kool-Aid man at any moment and take me over completely. My first instinct was to wrestle it to the ground, to mash my teeth into its ears and give it a noogie, since I was always the brute of the family. I knew you’d try to reason with it, to write it a letter using your shiniest vocabulary like the ones you’d send to Mom and Dad to convince them to raise our allowance, to get a pet sugar glider, to let you get your ears pierced, to legally change the “Jr.” that follows your name to the more sophisticated and chic “II.” You’d arrange all of your best arguments like toy soldiers followed by rebuttals of anticipated counter-arguments, then sign: Please don’t be mad at me. As a card-carrying atheist I didn’t know who to write a letter to. The universe? You?
I loved you like a soulmate, but not in the traditional sense of the phrase.
My therapist recommended I try ketamine for treatment-resistant depression and I had my first session this week. I thought of you because the first time I heard the word “ketamine” was when you snorted it in ninth grade and then came out to Mom, and the first time I heard the term “treatment-resistant depression” was after I talked about you to my therapist, seven years after you died. I filled out a questionnaire that tests for suicidality and it was only then that I realized my sadness had become life-threatening. I had a primordial urge to go wherever it is that you are. I’d sign my note to Mom and Jack: Please don’t be mad at me.
The nurse anesthetist injected the drug into my shoulder and it felt like a gentle bee sting. There were colors and textures and sounds that I can’t explain, but what I remember most of all was you. Your hair was dyed platinum blonde and a thin white shirt hugged your angular frame. You were resplendent. You were laughing and reaching out for my hand, and I chased you across tiles that lit up under our feet as we stepped on them. We knew you were not alive but we also knew that you were not gone. Looking at you, for the first time in seven years, didn’t feel like gazing directly into a car’s headlights at night; you didn’t singe my delicate eyes with your brightness. You hugged me the way you always did, so tightly that your upper ribs jabbed into my torso with a titty-puncturing ferocity, like you were holding on for dear life, and I felt an ineffable sense of something inside me being cauterized. Later I’d recall a mathematical concept from high school in which two lines get very, very close together but never actually end up touching and wonder if, for me, this would be the closest I’d ever get to feeling peace about your death. As I began to regain consciousness, your face became pixelated and the crinkles around your eyes started to smoothen and fade. The first part of my body that woke up was my mouth, and I could feel my chapped lips pressing together with alacrity to form a small smile. Before you disappeared completely, you said: What if it’s all true at once? You held those words up like a trophy and I unzipped my chest and put them inside.
Maria Zorn is a writer and visual artist currently living in Denver, Colorado.
Editor: Cheri Lucas Rowlands
Copy-editor: Krista Stevens
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Cassidy Randall | Longreads | February 16, 2023 | 4,141 words (15 minutes)
Ben carries a Pulaski ax filched from the cabin’s woodshed as we walk the trail along the Canadian border. Half a mile back, we stepped over a mountain lion’s broad track imprinted fresh on the damp banks of the river, her cub’s pocket-sized paw laid just behind it. Claw marks score the aspens at heights above my head, tufts of fur from the enormous bears who left them snagged by the peeling bark. Yesterday we heard a wolf howl far off in the forest.
The ax is less for protection from these predators — Ben couldn’t bear to kill any of them, even hoping the cabin’s resident pack rat outsmarts the trap he half-heartedly set for it — and more to intimidate any poachers we might come across in this remote corner of Glacier National Park. He’s been coming to the old ranger station here every fall for 20 years in solitary soul-searching rituals, under the pretext of performing this antiquated patrol for illegal hunters. He’s never brought anyone else in for such a long stint. And never someone so important to him, he says. It makes him more fearful of everything that can go wrong in the deep wild out here. Another reason he carries the ax.
It still boggles my mind that I could be important like that to someone.
To the north of this border trail lies Revelstoke, British Columbia: the mountain mecca that’s now my home. To the east and south rises the jagged expanse of the rest of Glacier, where Ben and I first met so many years ago — back when I called Montana home, when I wrote him off as another failed relationship in a lifelong string of them. Back when I hitched my self-worth and happiness to being loved by a man.
To the west, my Montana-bought truck with its British Columbia license plates sits in the sagebrush waiting for our return. For me to decide which direction to drive it: Back to Canada, where I’ve chosen me, and the mountains, over men. Or south into Montana with Ben, and everything I’ve already left behind.
The truck didn’t come until later. The little sedan that carried me to Montana came first.
In 2005, I piloted that gold Ford Focus from Los Angeles up to Missoula one November, looking to spend the winter there during my off-season from teaching outdoor education in my native California. A child of salt water and dusty ponderosa forests, I’d never “spent a winter” anywhere with actual winter. I was looking for a novel three or four months before going back to teaching.
If I’m honest with myself, I was really looking for something else.
Inside my head then, I was still the awkward, nerdy girl of my youth. Growing up, I was unaware I was a nerd. I was proud of my intelligence. I rushed to shoot my hand up first in class. I thought it was cool to bury my nose in Lord of the Rings books during free time, and when someone interrupted me, cry out, “Hold on! I’m in the middle of a battle scene!” I was both chubby and the tallest girl in the class, looming in both directions over most of the boys. I had crooked teeth and bad eyes, necessitating glasses and braces, although not, thanks to my parents’ foresight on this, at the same time.
High school brought no transformative hero(ine)’s arc, the type in the ’90s movies of my youth where the mousy loner girl ends up being gorgeous under those glasses, saved from the hell of social rejection by the coolest, hottest guy on campus. I recall vividly when the neighbor boy called to tell me my friends, with whom I’d been inseparable for years, didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. The following day, I stood horrifically alone on the quad at lunch hour, everyone witness to my fresh status as a total loser. Only one or two boys asked me out over those years. I went to my senior prom stag, trailing a group of, by then, painstakingly won girlfriends and their dates.
So driving north to Missoula at 24, I couldn’t shake the idea that if I hadn’t had a real boyfriend by then, something was wrong with me. I know there were good times in high school, but we are so hardwired for negativity that underlined in bold in my mind was the conviction that I wasn’t attractive enough, fun enough, athletic enough, thin enough, good enough for a man to love me back.
But in Montana, virtually no one knew me. It would be a clean slate. When I drove my little sedan on the tail of a fierce wind into Missoula, what I was really looking for was salvation. In the form of a Prince Charming mountain man.
The little ski hill outside town, I heard, was the best place to meet guys. Plus, learning to ski would be something to do in the long, dark cold season. Despite the fact that I grew up at the foot of the San Bernardino Mountains, home to the gritty ski resorts of Snow Summit and Big Bear, winter was not in my family’s wheelhouse. In junior high, when I heard people start telling stories about learning to ski and snowboard, I cornered my father.
“Dad, why don’t we ever go skiing?”
A lifelong product of orange groves and waves himself, he replied, only half joking, “You can stand in a cold shower and rip up $20 bills for the same effect.”
I figured skiing, then, would be a trial, a task that must be accomplished toward an end goal. But, shockingly, I turned out to be good at it. Learning what my body could do in harmony with a certain angle of slope or a particular pattern of snow-robed pine trees made me forget for a while about that uncoordinated little girl. I’d been praying to winter to offer up a romance, was ready to make sacrifices to this new god if it asked for them. And perhaps it did, and I delivered unknowingly and without question, as snow edged out the desert heat from my bones. It fell in my dreams and in drifts behind my eyes. I didn’t find any princes there. But I did find my own power awakening.
I dreamed of bigger mountains, deeper forests, and people to explore them with, as all my friends got married, had children, and insulated themselves.
Spring came, the outdoor education season started in California, and my little sedan stayed parked in Montana.
The landscape seeded in my skin. Creeks and rivers rearranged and settled into my blood vessels, trail dust tattooed my ankles. The landscape blurred something, too: the primary geographical feature of my college years. That three-story sorority house in West L.A., packed with 50 young women and full-length mirrors on every landing and at the end of every hallway, mercilessly insisted on what my body was supposed to look like, how the right clothes were supposed to hang on my breasts, which weren’t big enough, and my stomach, which wasn’t flat enough. Surely if I could fit the right mold then I would be worthy of love and the men would flock. I ran the perimeter of campus every other day. I counted calories. The energy it took exhausted me. And I wasn’t the only one in that house. All those bodies that held staggering intelligence and ambition and promise reduced to the pursuit of an unattainable image at the bid of West L.A.
But here. Here my body began to transmute into what it could do, not what it looked like, rinsing away what Los Angeles had taught me about image and self-worth and the dubious merit of a thin pair of thighs. It was in the midst of that transcendence that romance finally materialized.
At 25 years old, I was saved. For a few years, I was part of something. As in, partner. As in, love, reciprocal. As in, half of a whole. With him, I was whole. I don’t believe I ever told him he was my first boyfriend. I never wanted him to think of me as flawed, to be repulsed by my past incapacity for inspiring attraction. And I did love him, but perhaps it was secondary to finally achieving what so much of Western culture had taught my generation of girls, insidiously and thoroughly, about what “complete” means.
Then he left for me another woman. One “more capable outdoors,” “more spiritually connected to the woods,” more enough of basically everything that I wasn’t. I walked the trails and swam the rivers in an attempt to wash away the pronouncement of my lacking, asked the gilded sun that kaleidoscoped through the cottonwoods and larch to evaporate it from my skin into the wide Montana sky.
I never stopped to think whether he had ever been enough for me.
Some years after, I drove through the long light of a July night to West Glacier. Headed for a date. By then I’d been on many. Some stuck, and I’d be madly in love for a few months until my switch inexplicably flipped and I’d wonder what the hell I’d been thinking. But most hadn’t stuck, and second dates were a rarity. I always figured it was my fault.
This one was an epic blind date. A mutual friend had introduced me to a man named Ben, who was stationed in Glacier doing trail work. He invited me to summit a peak in the park, if I didn’t mind staying the night on his couch for an early start in the morning. It was a spectacular act of faith for a first date. But I knew about faith. It was one of the things my friends said they liked best about me: how I put my heart on the chopping block again and again.
I recall certain scenes, particular details, of those 24 hours. Him walking down the steps of his little cabin with a beer in each hand before I even turned off the ignition, a couple tattoos snaking up his arms to disappear under rolled-up sleeves. How I couldn’t decide if his eyes were hazel or green. Pulling a scratchy blanket up to my chin on the too-small couch. The dark before dawn when he made us gigantic sandwiches of bacon and runny eggs.
I remember, perhaps because it was embarrassing, that as we passed the long stretch of Lake McDonald on the way up Going-to-the-Sun Road, I said without thinking: “Do you know that one of my favorite things in the whole world is jumping naked into a lake after a long hike?”
I hadn’t meant it flirtatiously. It was just a fact about myself, like, “I am not a morning person,” or, “Actually, runny eggs really gross me out.”
He grinned knowingly. “Well then. We’ll have to see if we can find any spots for you later.”
I also recall that at the trailhead, he took off nearly at a sprint. I kicked into gear to keep up, my attempt to carry on a conversation punctuated by gasping even as he pulled farther ahead. I remember thinking he was just another mountain man like all the others who demonstrated clearly that I possessed neither the speed nor strength required for their adventure pursuits, which were more important than me, who was perhaps just a hindrance out here, on second thought, so why don’t we just meet up for a beer and a shag later?
“Is this a test?” I said to his back. If I wasn’t tough enough or whatever this guy was looking for, I wanted to know it now. If I’d learned anything over the years, it was that I could cut off the hoping and go straight to the rejection and save myself some torture.
“What?” He slowed, turning to look at me over his shoulder. “No! I’m just used to trail work, and the faster you hike, the faster you get things done and get back to camp for dinner. We can slow down, for sure. I’m sorry.”
I was unused to apologies or the outside-the-self awareness required to issue them. I don’t remember whether the conversation was awkward or easy after that. I know that the summit was windy and we took a single photo, his dimple showing through strands of my hurricane hair. And that he got us miserably lost on the return after claiming he knew the trails in the park like his own bones. I handled it badly, we drove past Lake McDonald in the late afternoon without a word, and I folded myself into my Focus after a curt goodbye. And I remember the thought, as I drove back south: Another one bites the dust.
I left Montana shortly after. I dreamed of bigger mountains, deeper forests, and people to explore them with, as all my friends got married, had children, and insulated themselves. But the biggest reason was that I dreamed of falling in love for good. Montana had delivered only drought and dust and failure in that department.
I sold the sedan. I bought the truck — which fit who I had become, and would fit this next leg of the journey so much better. I drove, trying on landscapes where it took me. East, south, west. Eventually I drove north, clear through the border, extending the route I’d began when I left Los Angeles all those years ago. I finally turned off the engine in a tiny mountain town in British Columbia.
Revelstoke’s bladed ridgelines repeated themselves to the Yukon. These mountains were religion with prophets and fanatics and martyrs. The light through thick stands of hemlock and behemoth ancient cedar was harder to obtain, more gratifying to subsume because of it. This landscape was sharp, nearly impenetrable, and it would never even fit inside my body.
I began, if not to turn away from the mythical notion of a man to “complete” me, to accept that there was no love out there for me. I chose mountains instead.
One late October afternoon, I knelt in front of my truck with a screwdriver to loosen my Montana license plates. I’d been here long enough that it was time. The Revelstoke air chilled with the sharp northern tilt of the earth and I thought, fleetingly, of math equation word problems about narrowing angles of light between the southern California desert and a Canadian ski town: “X equals how far she has come, measured in angles and distance.” Up here, I’d discovered the depth of my own capabilities. I’d expanded my limits in adventure sports, blossomed into a writer, surrounded myself with a community that lifted me up in those things. I’d traveled so far from that nerdy, chubby, awkward girl and her erroneous convictions. But internal growth is mostly unquantifiable with simple equations.
I twisted the tool on a corner of the Montana plate. The aluminum was bent from where I’d hit a deer some years before. She ran impossibly away and out of sight, trailing blood from wounds from which I knew she couldn’t recover. The blood was long gone from the plate, but her imprint remained. I pulled off the worn rectangle and affixed the shiny panel of my new British Columbia plate. It hung straight on my bent bumper. I ran my hand over its clean white slate, satisfied.
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A few months later, a notification popped up on Facebook. It was Ben’s birthday. On a trip back down to Montana some years back to grab my things from storage, I’d bumped into him in an old watering hole in Missoula where he had relocated for graduate school, and my brain did an about-face. It forgot about the bad parts of that first date and focused clearly, instead, on the topography of his body perfectly fitting mine when he stood to hug me. On a whim, I wrote Happy birthday on his profile. He replied immediately on Messenger.
I want to apologize, again, for getting us lost on our hike all those years ago. I’ve felt bad about it ever since.
The chat window held the archived thread of our first communication, timestamped five years ago. Scrolling back I saw the past iteration of myself: a girl less confident, still so careful to present herself so as to be liked. I saw him: striding assuredly into the wild whether or not he knew where he was going.
The following month, at Ben’s invitation, I stopped in Whitefish, just south of the Canadian border where he lived now, to see him on my way to Missoula. My stomach dropped as I pulled into town, waking up butterflies that tickled my insides. I couldn’t figure out why the butterflies were having a party in there. I already knew Ben.
He sat on the porch steps of an antique two-story house on the corner, sleeves rolled up to reveal those tattoos, elbows on his knees, scanning the street. He rose when he saw my car and smiled. The dimple.
“How was the drive?” he asked. So many ways to respond. Instructive, I could say. Delivering. Redeeming. But he, asking only about this short leg of my long road to discovery, would be confused. I replied simply, “Good.”
His tiny living room smelled of incense and woodsmoke and aging paper from the books overflowing a shelf. I turned to sit on an ugly plaid loveseat by the door, and stopped to examine an enormous map above it, with penned lines drawn all over it.
“Is this Glacier?” I asked him.
He’d shut the door behind him, and was trying to find an innocuous place to stand in the small room with me in it. He settled for leaning against the wall. “Yeah. Those are all the trails I’ve hiked.”
I leaned toward it, peering at an inked spider web in the northwest corner, right on the Canadian border. It was nowhere I’d ever heard of.
“That’s Kishenehn,” he said. “An old ranger station. I stay there every fall to patrol for poachers. It’s not on any maps anymore, but park officials still like to have a presence there during hunting season.” He paused. “It’s a pretty special place.”
That afternoon, something between us flicked on like a light. I could close my eyes and point to where he stood in a crowded room. As we hiked up a local mountain to ski down it, he looked at me and smiled with that dimple deepening and a premonition struck me to my core with a singular clarity: This will be big.
Some months later, we sat on my tailgate sipping my favorite Montana beer that Ben had brought up to Revelstoke, watching the August sun sink below the mountains across from where my truck sat on the river bank. A lovely moment.
We argued through it.
“I don’t want to keep going like this, with two weeks or more between seeing you,” he said. “It’s hard to be away from you so much. I can’t wait until we live in the same town.”
“But what will that even look like?” I downed the rest of my beer. “You’ve said you don’t want to move up here, which I get. It’s hard to get residency, or even a work permit. Trust me, I know, I’ve been through it.”
“It would be easier for you to move back down there. Don’t you want to be back in Montana eventually? With all your best friends? And me?”
I went to work peeling the label off the bottle in my hands to keep them busy while I figured out how to articulate what I needed to say. We’d met in his place, in mine. I fed him my northern landscape, the big newness of it all, the dark rainforest with ancient trees and the snowblind ridges unfurling to the Arctic. He fanned the dying embers of cottonwood light in me. But the drive back north after my visits to Montana always felt more … right.
“I don’t reach my full potential in Montana,” I said. “This is where I reach my full potential. It’s where I expand. And I’ve worked so hard to be here.”
I had finally become enough for myself — in fact, more than I ever thought I could be — and my hyper-independent, jaded heart was perhaps incapable of opening itself to the offer of big, complicated love. Real love, not that movie shit. And so then I said what I couldn’t take back: “I’m not ready to sacrifice everything for this.”
Hurt pooled in his eyes, reflecting a skyline so foreign to him where the sun had just been.
Later we lay wrapped around each other in my bed, surrendering to sleep in our last night together before we separated ourselves by hundreds of miles, again, when he whispered in my ear, “Will you come with me to Kishenehn this fall?”
His sacred place. He’d told me how that specific corner had mapped itself inside his young and unsure skin and grown into the man lying beside me. I knew about places like that.
At the center of a treed clearing, hidden from the wondrous skylines that defined Glacier, Kishenehn Ranger Station sat shrouded in seclusion. Elk and moose antlers hung over the cabin’s timber-frame porch. Ben toured me around the grounds, the few outbuildings that surrounded the cabin like satellites. At the old fire crew bunkhouse, Ben motioned me around a corner.
“See these depressions along the perimeter?” he said, pointing to the ground at a line of blurry craters the size of my head. “These are century tracks, where bears have walked in the same footsteps for generations. And these,” he gestured to a series of scores in the exterior log wall at chest height and higher, “are claw marks. We’ll probably find some fur around too — yep, here.” He picked a few light brown hairs off the wood and handed them to me. Then he adjusted the bear spray on the chest strap of his pack and led us toward the creek.
He pointed out every track, explained every sound, inhaled the sky, and breathed it into me. He was so in his element here that he appeared the most solid he’d ever looked. And I understood, as I followed him along these trails that had shaped him the way my long road north had shaped me, that he didn’t need me to complete him, either.
He’d told me how that specific corner had mapped itself inside his young and unsure skin and grown into the man lying beside me. I knew about places like that.
We woke the next morning to 10 degrees and frost on the grass. A good morning for lingering over coffee by the woodstove. We read by the windows to catch their light. Ben put down his book often to watch the fringe of trees outside, which is why he was the one who saw the doe as she edged into the clearing. He called me over softly. Two fawns emerged from the trees, keeping close to the doe as the little family made its way through the wide meadow and disappeared into the light on the other side.
Ben smiled and pulled me down into his lap to lay his head against my chest.
“What are we going to do?” I asked into the quiet.
“About what?”
“About us. Where are we going to live?”
He raised his eyebrows. “I thought you weren’t ready to have that conversation.”
Before I could think too much about it, I said:
“I think you’re the love of my life.”
His eyes were green, then. “I know you’re the love of mine.”
Days later, with the temperature plunging, we trekked back to my truck in the sagebrush. The journey to a more fully formed iteration of the self looks like lines on a road atlas — or, for some, a wilderness trail map. Sometimes we must continually move forward to arrive. Sometimes, having charted the edges of ourselves, we are drawn to loop back, changed, to places we’ve already passed through, carrying acquired knowledge that lights up the landscape from new angles.
I had made no decisions about which direction to drive. But I had arrived at this: My full potential did not lie in a particular place. My worth did not reside in another person. And I finally realized, then, that enough had never been the right concept to attach to love. Complement, growth, faith, and yes, even independence, so hard-won for me — these fit better, but were still too simplistic to encompass the reality of what this love could be in all its layered complications. If I were willing to let it.
I opened my tailgate and shrugged off my heavy pack. Ben set his down next to it and pulled me into the landscape of his body that fit mine so well. “Thank you for coming with me,” he said.
We got into my truck and drove.
Cassidy Randall is a freelance writer telling stories on adventure, environment, and people expanding human potential. Her work has appeared in TIME, The New York Times, National Geographic, and Rolling Stone, and her first book, The Hard Parts with Oksana Masters, is out February 2023.
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Christy Tending | Longreads | February 2, 2023 | 14 minutes (3,768 words)
There are things that able me. A chair. One person speaking to me at a time. Shoes that are not cute, but spare me nerve pain. A hot bath with epsom salts: so hot it would scald most, but my skin is like Kevlar. It craves the heat and wishes for it to dig deeper. These are simple but necessary things that make my life more livable.
They do not “enable,” marking conspiracy in a habit I am trying to quit; I am not done yet with my propensity for being alive in the world and I’m not ashamed of what these things offer. They able me. They render me capable of basic participation in my life in its myriad and fantastical forms: watching my child play soccer; eating dinner with my family; browsing through my favorite bookstore; coordinating a protest; hiking with my friends.
These accommodations — and others I require but have not named — are not merely comfortable, but necessary, an antidote to the ways the world, as it is, dis-ables me. The way the world tries to tell me that simple pleasures do not belong to me. Due to the burdensome inefficiencies of my body, I deserve exclusion.
When I train activists in street protests and direct action, which is my avocation in this lifetime, one of my rules is “One Diva, One Mic,” which is to say, “Please shut the fuck up when someone else is talking because my brain cannot process multiple sounds at once.” I talk about how a motorized scooter can make for an excellent blockade tool. Disability is not the same as vulnerability; I have been deemed broken, but am not fragile. And when I raise my voice in service of my needs, I am teaching others to do the same. When we meet our needs together, we are building the world we want to live in.
Disability is not the same as vulnerability; I have been deemed broken, but am not fragile. And when I raise my voice in service of my needs, I am teaching others to do the same. When we meet our needs together, we are building the world we want to live in.
Translation and interpretation take many forms. Sometimes, to make someone able and free to participate is simply to speak in a language they can understand. Sometimes, when my husband and son are both talking to me at the same time, I put up both hands and say, “Chotto matte, kudasai,” which means, “Please wait a moment” in Japanese (which means I am serious; when the white person starts snapping at them in Japanese, they know it’s serious). Auditory overwhelm means I need quiet and accommodation from my own family.
My son brings me a pillow for my back, and then climbs into my lap. I am cushioned and I am cushion. This is how care happens.
If my life were a cheesy ’80s movie, it would open in freeze frame: me, lying on a field, trapped underneath a pony who crashed to the ground with me as his only buffer; my exasperated voiceover saying, “You may be wondering how I got here.” I was 12, about to enter the seventh grade.
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In the film (as it was in life), the pony stands up on my left femur, righting itself. I have a concussion and a broken nose and a horseshoe print on my thigh. I am taken, in cervical collar, away in an ambulance. The horseshoe bruise is so thick I can’t fully zip up my chaps for a couple of weeks. The film speeds up, hurtling me through time. I cannot tell you when the pain began, but underneath the pony is a good time to start.
At 12, I did not have the context or the language to understand what I was becoming or, more specifically, what was becoming of me. It took years, decades of working with and through disability justice frameworks to fully give myself over to incorporating disability as a part of my identity and to understand how disability colors my life and my self-perception.
When I did, it became easy to catalog: scoliosis, clinical depression, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety, chronic headaches, auditory processing issues, ADHD. This is not exhaustive, but the rough sketch of things. This list does not account for my humanity — the person experiencing all of this — only how I am failing to measure up to the demands of capitalism. People want to know, without putting it quite this way, how I am compensating for these shortcomings. They very nearly ask for an apology that is not coming.
More than once, someone has told me they couldn’t “live like that.”
I have finally gained the fluency I needed to recognize and appreciate and celebrate myself as disabled. I do not embrace the term for having accomplished or overcome anything, and not as a signal of defeat (although there are plenty of people who love to see it that way), and certainly not as a beacon of “inspiration,” but as a loving gesture toward myself. To see myself as disabled is the entrypoint to access what some call self-care, but I call compassion.
Disability is not a sign of failure to care properly for myself, but as the beginning of meeting myself with the tenderness I require to move through the world. It is still a radical statement to meet your own needs without prerequisite, without means-testing your efficiency under capitalism. Acknowledging myself as disabled means I can then work to subvert the forces disabling me. Which begins with my worth and what goodness means. When I tell people, “I’m disabled,” they cock their heads to one side and frown. “Don’t say that,” they respond, bottom lip plump. I know I am supposed to comfort them, to take it all back, to smooth things over. Disability shames us both: the witness and the showgirl. Their embarrassment tells me I have subverted the unspoken contract. I do not want to soothe them; I am worth knowing myself.
At 12, all I knew was that other kids my age did not talk about pain in the way I did. Pain did not interfere with their experience of being 12. The other kids seemed limitless. I felt limitless in other ways: to ride bareback through the streams and ponds and fields and forests and hills of Maryland, without adult supervision, is the closest thing to pure, uncut freedom I can imagine for a middle-schooler.
The hardest thing is standing still. There is something about being upright, stuck in place, that is agony for my spine, my hips, my feet, my knees. Any arch support will ultimately fail if I am forced to be in one place without a chair for long. It feels like my brain is melting. I cannot form sentences and my peripheral vision grows dark.
Which is not to say in horseback riding I was immune to injury or consequence, but for a time, I was exempt from the force of gravity on my joints. I could find freedom in my partner. Together, we could fly. Part of freedom was the knowledge that our problems were ours to own, to fix or fumble.
In hindsight, it is difficult to untangle, like a well-plied yarn, what was chronic injury and what was the insidious beginning of chronic pain. When I was recovering from multiple concussions from horseback riding, I assumed if I simply stopped injuring myself, I would stop hurting. People would jokingly say, “Wait until you get to be my age!” As though pain is the exclusive domain of those over 40. As though I could not know agony at 12 or 14 or 16. I could. I thought, I am, right now. This kind of gaslighting is obviously harmful, when you say it out loud. Our society is so skilled at telling children not to trust themselves: to ignore their bodies’ signals, to focus on a body’s aesthetics, and to only value its abilities.
When my son says he is finished with dinner, I tell him the same thing each time: Thank you for listening to your body, no matter whether he’s had a fourth helping or eaten three bites. The quantity of food he consumes is not a goal in itself. I don’t care if he didn’t want to try the new thing I offered. What could be less my business than what another person eats?
***
Pain exhausts my mind. Stress and anxiety and depression exacerbate the pain. My disability keeps me so busy that I meet myself coming and going, like in the Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. It is both time to make the donuts; and I have already made the donuts.
What counts as disabled? (This is the same question I have been asking about my queerness since I knew enough shame to wonder: What is enough to count? To be worthy of being seen? To be real in the world?) I couldn’t tell you the answer, nor am I interested in policing anyone else’s experience of disability. I don’t really care anymore, if I’m honest, because I cannot know by looking at someone, and neither can you. What I do know is inquiry and identity give us access: to ourselves, to language, and finally to the accommodations that might actually grant us access. Identifying as disabled means I stand a chance of getting what I need. Much the way my pain is not static, being disabled is not a fixed position, necessarily. What if our needs were met? What if our unique way of being was honored?
I have never felt like enough. Not queer enough or disabled enough or mentally ill enough or enough like a mother, to qualify. It is not my reluctance, but my fear of taking someone else’s place, someone truly worthy. Someone who is enough. It is not internalized ableism, but my fear of claiming who I am as someone else decides I am a fraud; a heartbreak beyond words. There is stigma, of course. If I claim my disability, will it be turned against me? Like the boy in fifth grade, years after I knew I liked girls but years before I claimed a queer identity, who called me a dyke as though that’s a bad thing. I avoided getting sober for years because I wasn’t enough of a drunk; I hadn’t properly suffered.
I never reached the bottom. Or maybe there is no bottom — not really. At 40, I know who I am. Disabled, queer, mad as hell. Sober.
At 40, I know who I am. Disabled, queer, mad as hell. Sober.
When I was still riding, I was often asked to ride other people’s horses and, for lack of a better phrase, “Show them who was boss.” My father’s horse was an enormous black Trakehner, an East Prussian warmblood who did not always do what my father asked of him. So sometimes I, at 16 weighing 100 pounds, would hop aboard. Patrick would turn his head toward me, I would pet his nose, and then we would fly. Patrick would do whatever I asked. He was capable and athletic, and he knew despite my tiny size, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He also knew I wouldn’t ask him for anything he couldn’t do. I couldn’t muscle my way into making horses do what I wanted, but they learned to trust me all the same. I had a pony once who loved me so much he would come running across the field at the sound of my voice. I didn’t need to use a halter and lead-shank: He would heel like an overgrown golden retriever, eager to please. He would follow me to the barn, with his enormous head against my hip. He’d stand and rub his face against my rib cage as I tacked him up.
This is all to say my riding skill didn’t rest on authoritarianism or brute force. It was my intuition, compassion, and trust. It was a mutual effort. Horses, like most prey animals, can be tightly wound. My senses also had a hair trigger. One false move, and the muscles around my spine would spasm. Together, we could process an overwhelming amount of sensory input and turn it into something graceful and harmonious. In the face of the pain of daily life, this was my solace: working in tandem with another being, often just as terrified by the threat of disaster as I was.
Show-jumping has a steady rhythm: short outside lines, long diagonals. There are flower-boxes and soft dirt, birds in the rafters, a cool breeze, and an early sunset when you’re showing in October. Heels down, hands soft. Sometimes, you can walk the course with big strides, marking your lead change with a heel: a little hop to ease you around the corners.
I could read the subtle energy in my body more easily than my peers who hadn’t had to wonder why they woke up with neuropathy in their shoulder or why their spines sounded like breakfast cereal when they bent over. But those neural pathways also gave me information: Dig your heels in here, lift your hips now — and when I did, my pony would sail over the jump, lifting us both. Riding doled out injury and served as a balm for my more ordinary chronic pain.
My body gave its lessons early. This is not forever. For better or worse, this will not last.
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When I say I am disabled, this is what I mean: I am tired of not getting my needs met. I am tired of basic human needs being an afterthought. If I am “giving up,” the only thing I am truly sacrificing is the illusion of exceptionalism and individualism that got me into this mess in the first place. I am burning down the myth of self-sufficiency — or the idea that self-sufficiency should be a goal unto itself. I am surrendering the idea that I am a burden for having needs. I am demanding to be a part of the team and to be honored for what I bring to it.
It is expensive and time-consuming to be disabled. While I am not afraid to have my needs met, it is exhausting to have to advocate for myself every waking minute. It takes so much more time and energy and support to get what I need. It takes thought and preparation and resources to move through the world. Being disabled is also tremendously boring: Sometimes the days stretch out into weeks or months when I wish I were doing something besides my healing slog. I know the words will be back; I know one day my body will endure sitting at a desk again. Or maybe it won’t, and I will ponder that when it comes. There is no way to account for how I spend my days during those phases of necessary interiority.
For years, the person-first identity was pervasive. “People with disabilities,” they would say. But my disability is not luggage, separate from myself. And there is a kernel of truth inside me: Had the values of capitalism, white supremacy, and colonialism not crept so pervasively into our collective consciousness, I would not have been rendered disabled in the same way. If we, collectively, engaged in mutual aid in more than fits and starts, then perhaps insisting on having my needs met would not seem so anachronistic. Instead, I am seen as entitled when I meet my needs, and yet pitied for having needs at all. How pathetic, they seem to say. How cringe.
When they tell us we’re people first — that we shouldn’t say “disabled people” — it feels as though they are worried that one day we will implicate who has disabled us and who continues to poison and maim us as we try to heal. Their brand of capitalism is the same one that demands endless growth, even from those of us who do best lying fallow in the afternoons. The ones who insist on ceaseless cheerfulness. I have pulled myself up by more bootstraps than I can count. But I know this: After you have pulled yourself up, the horse carries you.
Their brand of capitalism is the same one that demands endless growth, even from those of us who do best lying fallow in the afternoons.
Part of the trouble with invisible disabilities is that you keep having to explain yourself. I’m not lazy, I want to say. And yet, in certain contexts, I am, in turns, “a hearie,” “a walkie,” and so on. In those moments it is my turn to be a facilitator: to make space, to create connections, to meet needs where I can, to help patch the way between here and access. This means knowing who needs to leave at what time so they can make it to work; who needs to be on the left side of the stage to hear; or who might need the Advil or Clif Bar or extra pair of socks I have stashed in my bag. I move as deftly as I can, remembering to create for others the conditions for getting their needs met, one cell in the body of a complex organism. This is what community care can look like. Sometimes it means giving and other times, receiving. Sometimes, it simply means making sure that everyone in the group knows where I am and where to find me so that I can troubleshoot. At the very least, my work is to help create an atmosphere where those who have needs know they belong. All good activism, even street protests, begin with consent; people should be able to move back or away or into a different mode at any moment, without shame. The group’s work is to respond with care to the needs of its individuals, even when those needs shift.
I am still learning, fucking up, apologizing, fumbling forward. If inquiry offers me the gift of understanding myself as someone who has been disabled in certain contexts, it also yields this knowledge: In other contexts, I am not. And in those cases, I have the obligation to tear down barriers that, while not an issue for me personally, oppress others. While my disabilities’ invisibility in some contexts robs me of being taken seriously, at times being able to be covert, to fly under the radar, lends me a certain kind of power. It comes with responsibility.
Some of my favorite protests are the ones where I can play a specific role, one that feels well-worn and comfortable for me, without having to do the heavy lifting of organizing. Let me block traffic or wrangle reporters or talk to the cops, things that might feel scary for younger activists, without the actual, real work of logistics and getting people to show up. Often at protests, I feel like something between a camp counselor and a firefighter, spending my time handing out Clif Bars and extinguishing conflicts before they can overtake the group (and the message we’re trying to send).
In the summer of 2019, a coalition of groups staged protests outside of the ICE building — to protest family separation at the border and Trump’s draconian immigration policies — in downtown San Francisco every day during August, with a different group “adopting” a day during the month. I went to six or seven events. My favorite was when I was asked to be the police liaison for a coalition of disability justice groups who had committed to anchoring the action. I find freedom in being somewhat mercenary.
And yet, in certain contexts, I am, in turns, “a hearie,” “a walkie,” and so on. In those moments it is my turn to be a facilitator: to make space, to create connections, to meet needs where I can, to help patch the way between here and access.
I am not big or scary, but I have a set of skills. I know how to talk a security guard out of messing with our equipment. I know how to move the larger group to protect a higher-risk few. I know when a tense situation can be dissolved with singing or when to raise the energy of the group with a chant. I know how to watch the police and to recognize their gear. I can translate what they’re wearing into an understanding of how they are reading our action. Do they read us as a threat? Should we read them that way? I have learned to do this so that those who should be at the center can focus on the message. I am fluent enough in these to “Show them who’s boss.” I’m there to do my job invisibly: decentering myself and using my skills as a crowbar. My work in those moments is to leverage my experience and my credibility to create ease, a feeling of safety, and ample space, so the organizers can do their real work of delivering the message, rather than worrying about the cops.
The message is this: No body is disposable. No one is illegal. Migrant justice is inextricable from disability justice.
In the middle of the action, things are calm. What I know is activism in San Francisco is safer than most other places — especially places where they aren’t used to it. I’ve done actions in rural logging towns and in smaller cities like Charlotte, North Carolina, and Minneapolis, Minnesota, and I’ve learned: It’s more dangerous when the police are scared or surprised or don’t know what to expect. It’s riskier when they are excited to get to try out all their pretty, shiny toys on you, not knowing how they really work. Boring is the best case scenario. Everyone knew their role. I, as a “walkie,” roamed the crowd, to watch the police, communicate with them when necessary, translate information back to the group and keep folks from coloring too far outside the lines. Sometimes that means honoring our shared action agreements not just to protect ourselves from becoming targets, but protecting the more vulnerable folks we’re working with. Acting as a beacon and a deterrent.
Afterward, I went home and spent the next couple of days lying down as much as possible, feeling the impact of my heels on the asphalt radiating up into my lower back, the exhaustion of holding myself upright and alert. The residual adrenaline I feel from my PTSD needs time to dissipate, no matter how chill the cops are. Sometimes, this healing is private, but built-in recovery time is a necessary part of my activism. I am not as elastic as others.
If reminding people I am disabled is what it takes to let people know I have needs or they should quit being ableist, then so be it. If I have to out myself — to tattle on my chronic pain — to get a chair, fine. I will never apologize for it or undermine myself again. I will never downplay what I feel or what I need. I am worth getting my needs met, with or without a disability. I am worth taking up space. And, I have learned, if I do not take up space in the places I fear I am not enough, there will be no space for me at all.
***
Christy Tending (she/they) is an activist, writer, and mama living in Oakland, California. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Catapult, Electric Literature, Permafrost Magazine, Newsweek, and Insider, among many others. Her first book, High Priestess of the Apocalypse, is forthcoming from ELJ Editions. You can learn more about her work at www.christytending.com or follow Christy on Twitter @christytending.
Editor: Krista Stevens
Copy editor: Cheri Lucas Rowlands
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Devin Kelly | Longreads | January 2023 | 17 minutes (4,692 words)
Read Devin Kelly’s previous Longreads essays: “Running Dysmorphic,” “What I Want to Know of Kindness,” “Out There: On Not Finishing,” “Repetitive Stress,” “I Miss it All,” and “Children in the Garden.”
In late November, I am standing near the front of the church at my fiance’s grandfather’s funeral. I am not feeling great, I would say. Earlier that morning, I woke up a little achy and anxious about the achiness. I am wearing the suit I will get married in and standing next to the person I will marry, and, halfway into service, I kneel down as part of the ceremony, feel something go wonky in my head and my mouth and my body, think nope nope nope, and collapse sideways into the arms of my fiance. I wish I could say I remember something about that infinite blackness of not-being-with-it, that space of the unconscious, but it feels, in the moment, only like giving oneself over without permission, and then waking into a sea of faces. The mass goes on; somewhere to my right the priest still speaks. I say sorry. I say sorry again and again. In this way, I am reminded that this is life, that I am alive. I say sorry and people look at me with worry. I say sorry and people look at me with love.
My wrist is held by my fiance’s aunt, a cardiac nurse. She talks to me, gives me sips of water. I think of the people seeing me and wonder how long it takes for an image of someone to undo itself from your mind. I say sorry to myself because I know I will think about this forever. I say sorry again to anyone who will hear. I say yes to a question asked by a cop who is somehow between the pews, and then to an EMT with red cheeks and a Red Sox hat. I want to get up. I want to undo. I want to be in my own head for a little bit and have the people go away. But more people come. Another EMT, then another. I am embarrassed; I am thinking only of myself. I am walked to the back of the church; I am placed on a stretcher, wheeled into an ambulance. The man inside it calls me buddy. I smile. It feels good to be called buddy. It makes me think that I am a kid, that I could be a little bit of a kid forever. I smile and nod. When they put the IV needle in me, and I feel the rush of something cool injected into my body, I pass out again. They are worried when I awake. The man says buddy but with more urgency. He holds me by the shoulder as I am wheeled into the ER. He says something about my heart, something about a pacemaker. I think okay, okay, remember this — the red brick of the building, the one green leaf amidst the others long since gone to gold, the 10 feet of brushed gray concrete between the ambulance and the electric doors, the bench without a person, the cold air against my wet chest, the person I love holding my jacket.
Twenty years ago, my brother nearly passed out in a church in Rochester. I remember the heater on the ground beneath the pew, and how it looked like a fire alarm bell. I remember the men in the back of the church, with their puffy Buffalo Bills jackets, and I remember the abrupt and almost-comforting cold coming from over the lake, and how it slapped and shattered the skin of my young cheek when we opened the door to take my brother outside. He recovered. We walked back inside and left after mass — it was midnight on Christmas Eve — to sit at my grandmother’s small kitchen table in her small kitchen two blocks from the shore of Lake Ontario, where we ate Entenmann’s coffee cake with our dad before we went to bed. Before my grandmother died, I sat with her at that same kitchen table, watching her refuse to eat a spoonful of peas. My dad asked her to eat them, in what was perhaps the gentlest act I’d ever seen him perform. I’d never heard him whisper until that moment. He asked her softly, and she refused. She was small then, just barely taller than four feet. Life had made her stubborn, then tender, then stubborn again. That is my last memory of seeing her alive. Her face, just above the table’s edge. Like a moon gone down to earth.
He asked her softly, and she refused. She was small then, just barely taller than four feet. Life had made her stubborn, then tender, then stubborn again. That is my last memory of seeing her alive. Her face, just above the table’s edge. Like a moon gone down to earth.
***
You can use the word faint — or its almost-homophone, feign — in a myriad of ways. You can say I fainted. You can say that some tasks are not for the faint-hearted. You can describe the faint light of dusk as the sun descends beneath the horizon and turns what once was gold to purple as everything moves closer to shadow. You can hold a faint hope in your heart. You can hold that hope forever; it can perhaps burn faintly inside you — just enough to keep going. You can feign courage even if you are faint-hearted. You can feign so much: your life, your expertise, your sorrow, your joy. You can speak faintly, so softly that someone might say speak up, the same way they might ask — then yell — for you to get up if and when you faint.
***
There are no windows in the emergency room. There are wires coming out of my body. I close my eyes. I open them. I say to myself: I will say thank you to anyone who touches me. I don’t know then that some of the touches will be difficult, that I will be pricked and poked, will feel the somewhat gross and mostly uncomfortable sensation of the thick and blue rubber band pulled taut around my arm. The blood gone from me again and again. The TV airing reruns of Friends. In between, my fiance and I look at islands we might visit when all of this is over. We want there to be hydrangeas — 10 million hydrangeas. A sun to shine on them. A doctor comes in and says it might be Lyme. He says you never know. He says the word test a thousand times. I am struck, while waiting, of how horrible it feels to wait. A child cries next door, in his own windowless room. My fiance takes a balloon from my room and walks it over to his. I watch her leave and think if I am allowed to decide to love someone for the rest of my life, and then I know that I am allowed, and that I do.
I am worried about my heart because everyone is worried about my heart. They say I will stay overnight in cardiology. They say they will move me when a room opens up. My fiance fits into the bed with me. We are both small. We watch Friends and eat Goldfish. Because no one will tell me how worried I should be, and because there is so much time in between the scary things that people tell me and the less-scary moments of those same people telling me not to be afraid of the scary thing they said hours before, I make a list of what I need to become okay with. I do it in my head. At the very top, I say that if I have to be okay with dying, I will become okay with dying. I say that if I have to be okay with someone opening up my body, I will become okay with someone opening up my body. I say that if I have to be okay with never being able to run again, I will become okay with never being able to run again. At the very bottom of the list is my body in the bed, making a list of all I might have to become okay with, the anxiety and worry of wondering about the self, and the only thing I think I know at the time: that I feel like I will hold my worry forever.
***
In his long, romantic book Rome, Naples, and Florence, Stendhal describes what later became known as Stendhal Syndrome. By his account, Stendhal is walking through Florence on the 22nd of some long-ago January, his heart “leaping wildly” within him at the prospect of viewing art. So much art. With memories “crowding and jostling” within him, he finds himself, by his own admission, “incapable of rational thought.” I think of his honesty with such compassion; he is so vulnerable, so innocent, so unrestrained in his willingness to be transfixed and transformed. He wants so badly to be moved. And soon, he is. Standing in front of Volterrano’s Sybils, he undergoes “the profoundest experience of ecstasy” and, leaving the Basilica of Santa Croce, he feels a “fierce palpitation of the heart” and walks “in constant fear of falling to the ground.”
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Stendhal Syndrome takes that description as a kind of origin story, and, though unverified by scientific evidence as a true psychosomatic condition, posits that people can experience moments of lightheadedness, heightened anxiety, syncope, and more as a result of exposure to beautiful art. The Italian psychiatrist Dr. Graziella Magherini documented 106 cases of this, which she published in her book, La Sindrome di Stendhal. In an interview in Metropolis, she describes a man, Kamil, who visited Florence, took in a great deal of art, and, in almost the same spot as Stendhal, “felt like he was suffocating.” Magherini says that he “had to leave the church and lay down on the church steps, and that he was “able to collect himself only when he managed to imagine himself at home, in his bed in Prague.”
On the internet, I move back and forth between articles about Stendhal Syndrome and Magherini and Paris Syndrome — a term for people who visit Paris and experience a sense of extreme disappointment (which manifests as lightheadedness, tachycardia, and more) because the city is not what they expect it to be. It is perhaps the opposite of Stendhal Syndrome — a bodily response not to overwhelming beauty but to overwhelming mundanity. I am drawn to these descriptions of episodes and syndromes because they feel romantic — deeply symbolic and metaphorical. Reading about some of Magherini’s cases, I find myself thinking that they seem outlandish and absurd, true in their experience but only potentially true in their diagnosis. Perhaps Kamil was not really overcome by the beauty of art; perhaps he was tired from all the traveling and walking. Perhaps he was anxious about something in his life — some lost love, some unresolved desire — and the expectation of beauty (more than its reality) made him terrified, made him long for somewhere safe. His home, maybe. His bed in Prague. But I am no psychiatrist. I only know that, in the ambulance, when the EMT put the shock pads on my chest, worried that he might have to use them, I felt wildly calm. I saw the blue sky through the little window, felt the faintest rush of cool air, and thought this is real, this is here, and here is where I am. I wanted to make that little world safe. I breathed into it.
***
They wake us both at two in the morning, and they make my fiance leave. I am wheeled through the dark emergency room, where the child — I hope — sleeps, and where a drunk man leans over his gurney, body heaving in some in-between state. He is left there in the hallway to recover, like a ragged doll of a wet fish. I wonder about what it must be like to work through this darkness, not knowing who or what is going to come. When I wake up again, I am in my own room, and there is a soft light — maybe even faint — spreading all orange above the trees, as if the sky is a blanket under-lit by a flashlight. Later that morning, after a nurse tells me the remaining tests they have to run, they wheel in an older man next to me, and slide a divider between us. He coughs. He coughs as if coughing is his breath. He had heart surgery months before; he thinks something is wrong with his heart again. He keeps asking if they will have to slide a catheter into his vein until it pokes up and around his heart. When his doctor comes in, the man coughs. He coughs and coughs again.
In between each cough, he tells his doctor the story of a friend he had, a friend who called him on the phone to tell him he was about to take his life, that he had the gun right there. He talks about his friend with something that sounds like honor and is almost definitely dignity. He has respect for his friend, still, even though his friend used the gun. He says that: even though he used the gun. He tells the story for a long time. He coughs while he tells it. He does not raise his voice. He speaks with the flatness of a thick, wooden board. I don’t know how much hurt this man holds in his body and in his heart. He says that sometimes it is the only decision to be made. I want to cry, hearing the story. I have been separated from someone I love. I am alone in this room with the soft light that I want to get softer, and with a body that feels not quite mine, and I don’t know what to do with this story. I think: There is loss and there is only loss, which means that life is what we make of loss, which is an impossible task, to make something of loss, so life must simply be how we live, and continue to live, amidst the unthinkably unmakeable. It is, every day, so deeply humbling to take each and every breath. If I don’t hold onto that, I know I will let it go.
I think: There is loss and there is only loss, which means that life is what we make of loss, which is an impossible task, to make something of loss, so life must simply be how we live, and continue to live, amidst the unthinkably unmakeable.
***
Around the time of my parent’s divorce, I felt — for months — a gnawing pain in my chest. I was 10, 11 years old when it started. The pain would manifest as a short, sometimes intense sensation. I would feel it, frown, rub my chest, and get scared. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I didn’t tell anyone about it for a very long time. I remember sitting in Mr. G’s fifth grade English class, laughing too loud at the word bosom in Shakespeare, and thinking to myself — each time the pain shocked me out of nowhere — that I wouldn’t live to see the next day, or the day after that. I did that for a long time, this silent planning for a non-future, coming to terms with how my refusal to ask for help would probably lead to the end of my life. It felt grown up at the time, like I was handling a grown-up problem in a grown-up way. Now, thinking back on it, it seems so lonely, and sad. I think of that younger me, sitting in the midst of so many other young people, trying to become okay with dying and not telling anybody. I want to reach back into that past, and hold that child. Hold him tight. I want to say you can open your mouth. I want to say you can admit it. And then listen. Listen and hold. Hold and listen.
It took me almost a year to spit out my anxiety and worry and pain to my dad in a long, speedily spoken sentence. I remember how calm he seemed. We were in the car. He told me it would be okay, and a few days later he sat next to me in a room somewhere off a highway as a man rubbed a gooey, cool liquid all over my chest and my heart lit up — all electric — on a screen. The diagnosis had nothing to do with my heart. I was young; I was growing; these things happen. I would be okay.
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There is something about the heart I cannot shake. I don’t mean about feeling. There will always be something about feeling I cannot shake, or even begin to describe. But there is something about the heart — my heart, and maybe yours — that looms over me each day. I think this is because I cannot control it. Right now, as I type this, I am breathing slowly, breathing deeply through my nose, and I feel my heart beat less frequently as a result. But even here, I am not controlling the actual beating of my heart, just its frequency. No. There is something about the heart. It beats until it doesn’t. I don’t give or withhold permission. To live my life is to accept — in this one, life-giving ongoingness that occurs right at the heart of me — that I am not the center of this story.
***
You can use the word heart in a myriad of ways. You can speak of the heart and its four chambers. You can speak of the heart as a muscle. You can say the heart is the size of a fist. You can talk about the fairyfly, only .2 millimeters long, and you can say you need a microscope to see its heart. You can say he doesn’t have any heart, which doesn’t literally mean that the person doesn’t have a heart, only that whoever you are speaking of lacks some sort of courage or resilience. You can be heartened. You can be disheartened. You can cross your heart. You can have a change of heart. You can have a heart of gold. You can believe in someone, and even love someone. You can do this with your whole heart. You can do something for that someone in a heartbeat. You can — always, and sadly — break their heart. Your heart has a bottom. You can speak from this place, the same way that you can bear your soul. Your heart has strings, too. They can be pulled. They can be tugged. I don’t know if they can be tied. I imagine they can. It sounds lighthearted, I know, but you can also have a heavy heart. I think of this often. How heavy is your heart? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Would you like help carrying it? I know you carry it every day.
***
In the daylight, a nurse takes my blood for the fourth time in my hospital stay. I watch soccer. I get lonely until my fiance comes. I don’t know what to do with my worry. I don’t know what to do with the time in between not knowing and knowing, which seems to be an entire lifetime, where I am left next to the coughing man whose friend put a gun to his head. I think a hospital is a hard place to get better, even if it is filled with people who do the job of helping you get better. I think a hospital is a terrible place to worry. My worry becomes a balloon filled; it takes up the whole room. It occupies a place next to the window and blocks out the light. My worry becomes my whole self, scared to tell a soul what is happening out of fear that it will make what is happening a reality. My worry becomes a silent thing. I put it somewhere in my body and let it fester. I close the door to that room. I wish that there were plants. I wish there was something other than the steady hum of machinery and the electric rhythm of my heart filtered through a monitor, which I turn to sometimes to make sure I am alive.
In the early afternoon, two nurses come to wheel me to a different floor, where, for the second time in my life, I sit in a room as a man rubs a cold and gooey liquid over my chest and takes a recording of my heart. We are so close, the two of us, in that elongated moment. We are so close in that dark room. It feels intimate; it doesn’t feel intimate; I want it to feel intimate. I want the man to talk to me about this moment, to acknowledge the two of us in this room together, to ask me about my body, to let me tell him what happened, to share something — a story, a kindness — in this room together while we are together. I want us to be unlike men. I want to lean into intimacy. I would kiss his hand if he offered it to me, the way people do in old novels upon arriving at the other’s door. Instead, there is just the cold feeling against my chest and the sound that sometimes erupts from the monitor as something — a frequency, perhaps — switches, and I hear my heart as if my heart were alien to me, this blooping thing that fills the room.
I am okay. I am diagnosed with vasovagal syncope — a fairly common syndrome brought on by various triggers, in my case, the dehydration most likely caused by the stomach virus manifesting itself in my gut — and I leave the hospital with a heart rate monitor glued to my shaved chest. It feels odd, standing in the hospital’s lobby, trying to rethink the 30-something hours, as if I had existed somewhere else. But I hadn’t. I sat in my body in a bed, and was moved around — from floor to floor — and attended to. There is a lump underneath my hoodie where the monitor sticks out. I feel as if I failed somehow — at life, at dignity, at anything of worth. I know that’s not true. You can tell me that’s not true. It doesn’t change the feeling.
***
In medicine, the term syncope refers to a loss of consciousness brought upon by a reduction of blood flow to the brain. Causes can be serious or benign. It can be related to a condition of the heart. In linguistics, the term syncope refers to a moment when a letter — typically a vowel — is omitted in the pronunciation of a word. This happens all the time in common speech. You say op’ra instead of opera, cam’ra instead of camera. A letter is devalued, made to seem empty, and is left out of the spoken word. When you experience syncope, you feel yourself left out of the language of common life. You come to, and the world has spoken a word and the very letter of you has been omitted. The word has been spoken; there is no going back. D’vin. D’in. D’n. D’. ‘’. If you say it aloud, only the emptiness echoes.
When you experience syncope, you feel yourself left out of the language of common life. You come to, and the world has spoken a word and the very letter of you has been omitted.
In music, the term syncopated refers to a moment when the offbeats of a song are stressed or accented. When you are listening to a song that is heavily syncopated, it disrupts your expectations of normal rhythms and patterns, and, though you are listening in that state of disruption, the hope is that such disruption makes you keep listening. My favorite example of this is the song “Fake Empire,” by The National, which introduces a piano melody that occurs in 3/4 time while the song is sung in 4/4 time. This is conflict, yes, but I enjoy this conflict. Your heart, however, should not beat consistently in a syncopated fashion. This is called an arrhythmia, an irregular heartbeat. You could have tachycardia, your heart beating too fast. You could have bradycardia, your heart beating too slow. Too fast. Too slow. It’s hard to know that something has to be just right.
What to make of this disruption? This staggering anxiety in the everydayness of life? That fear of omittance, of a disrupted rhythm, of coming-to and not knowing? The desire to be just right? The worry of being left out? The longing for safety? The longing to be moved? The beauty of the painting? The letdown of the city? The hand reaching out in that moment just before falling? And if there’s no hand? And if you can’t reach? What to make of this? Of life? Of what you can choose and what you can’t? Of wishing it were the other way around? Of giving over control? Of holding on too tight? Of the hurt we hold in the body and the heart? And of the heart — there it is, on the monitor, liquid blue and electric, like something underwater, do you see it, and can you see the scarring; it’s there, it’s there, I didn’t know it could be there, but it’s there, what we’ve caused to one another, what we hold and keep holding, not knowing any other way until we don’t know any longer — yes, of the heart, what of it?
***
I have tricks now for when I feel faint. I can cross my legs, push them out against each other. I can place my hands together and press them real hard. For weeks now, walking through the city, going to work, taking the subway — I think to myself: What would be the worst place to pass out? I worry about it constantly, find myself pressing each hand to the other in a preventative way, stemming off even the possibility of something happening. I see it all the time: my life moving ahead of me in small, missed moments. I see a glitch in the future. I am running with a child in a stroller, and then the child disappears, and there is only an empty stroller. I finish a book and immediately forget everyone’s name. I am holding out flowers; I am saying here, these flowers are for you, and in that moment right before I give them, the flowers disappear, and I only have an empty hand.
I think that, in these moments, what I am really saying to myself is what would be the worst place to be left out? I don’t want to be elided. I don’t want to be omitted. I don’t want my heart to skip a beat, to beat too slow, to beat too fast. I think that what I am really saying to myself is that I am scared — terrified, actually — of frailty and its limits, of knowing that there is something about presentness — about being here, in that space where nothing can be left out, because it is happening now, and now, and now — that I am still learning.
And so I speak in the present tense. And so I press my hands together each day and tell myself that it is like prayer. Please let me be here; let me stay. And so I count the yellow windows in the black night from the moving train. And so I lose count and start again. And so I tell the one I love that the river from my childhood reminds me of the river in Joni Mitchell’s song. And so I run my hands along things: chain link fences, triple-painted gates, countertops, and bars. And so I anthropomorphize the animals, call the fly inside the apartment my little guy and click my tongue and wish him well. And so I order the sage-butter tortellini one day, chicken fingers the next. And so I say so what, it’s date night at the diner. And so I remember to laugh. And so I do: I laugh even when it’s hard. And so I remember that it’s this moment I want, before it becomes the next, where anything could happen and anything could not. I don’t remember that, the not. When I awoke, I remember I saw your face.
***
Devin Kelly is the author of In This Quiet Church of Night, I Say Amen (published by Civil Coping Mechanisms) and the co-host of the Dead Rabbits Reading Series. He is the winner of a Best of the Net Prize, and his writing has appeared or is forthcoming in The Guardian, LitHub, Catapult, DIAGRAM, Redivider, and more. He lives and teaches high school in New York City.
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